Bad karma

When all the bad begins

And the luck starts to run dry.

When all the good times become grey.

And the sadness begins again.

Just be grateful that you're still human.

Able to feel and digest

Small blips like this

Infinitesimal in the big picture.

A chime the dime makes falling on the pavement

In the middle of a busy street

In the middle of nowhere

Around thousands of strangers.

Beautiful things

Recently I haven't had the chance to delve into my mind and write about things that I find profound or even mundane. It's a good feeling knowing that there is something now that draws the attention of my mind with such intensity that even during the rare times where something else is occupying my thoughts, I know eventually that it will all go back to the warm and comforting thoughts.

I want to write about something that's been bugging me lately. 

Writing has always been my source of introspection, a way to look into my mind through my fingers and eyes. There is a beautiful moment when I write where I feel liquid and everything just seems to flow so naturally from my mind down through my fingers and into the page. It's a very rare exaltation that I thought I could never experience outside of writing.

But I've been feeling that electricity again. The thrill that comes from seeing those ideas floating in your head so eager and brimming with anticipation of being born into this world through writing is somehow recreated for me with the one I love.

It's such an old cliche but I guess I understand now why love is so prevalent in everything we do.

I like to wonder if, in the greater scheme of things, happiness is a different entity than love. Can one exist without the other or are they packaged together like a neat little box lunch probably packed with individual ketchup packets and maybe one or two hot sauce packets. I bet it's got some legit meat and maybe some rice or a little bit of fruit.

Personally I could never grasp the whole happiness pantomime with smiling and being all joyful until I got to know its close friend love. I thought it was just some mockery of a feeling that stemmed from people wanting something to explain why they weren't sad. When I'm not sad I must be happy right?

It just bugged the fuck out of me that the word happiness became such an umbrella term for so many other things that it's meaning became so frivolous.

Nowadays people can't even give you a concrete definition of the word happiness unless they quote the mechanical dictionary meaning or they grace you with their hmm'ing and err'ing's for an hour.

Maybe I'm being so cynical and too rigid about this all but after being asked what happiness is for the tenth time and being unable to produce a decent answer, I really needed to get to the bottom of this.

This brings me back to the subject of love.

Love to me is a totally different creature. It's the strongest link two people can have between each other. THAT IS FACT, I DONT GIVE A FUCK IF YOU THINK OTHERWISE.

It's searching for a good balance between two people and understanding that to keep love strong, the balance sometimes needs to be re-calibrated.

Personally I believe it's an understanding between two individuals.

An openness reserved for the one you love that is otherwise uncomfortable. 

Gentle kindness; because exposing yourself to another person so profoundly turns a heart very fragile.

The ability to recognize the selfish aspects of each other and realize that these are the things that mold the person into who they are.

Respecting the fact that everyone has a light side and a dark side.

Understanding that we are each going through our own particular version of reality, their own story.

Then to nurture.

I think the only advice I would give myself each time I'm troubled and start thinking about the meaning of happiness or love is to stop over-thinking.

Happiness or love can't be defined so easily by words or turned into some abstract formation of lines (How the fuck do you represent joy with lines anyway?).

Stop over-thinking and just make her smile, because that's what she is trying to do for you.

stop writing and go to sleep, you have work tomorrow.

some sophisticated title

I told the witch doctor, I was in love with you
I told the witch doctor, I was in love with you
And then the witch doctor, he told me what to do
He told me:

Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang

I told the witch doctor, you didn't love me true
I told the witch doctor, you didn't love me nice
And then the witch doctor, he gave me this advice:

Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang

You can keep your love from me just like you were a miser,
And I'll admit it wasn't very smart,
But I went out to find my-self a guy that's so much wiser,
And he told me the way to win your heart:

Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, ging, bang

Come on and:
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang

this is a blog right?

like the wind blowing through the trees
like the sea storming in the sea
what.

yes.

like the boob in the boobies

the glass in the glasses


what.

yes.



squeeze squeeze




i'm horny


roLAND

they see me rollin
they hating

i am the ro LAND
land of the RO

I wait for the day someone gives me as much as I give them.
So far null.
Maybe one day.
i doubt it.

what is happiness?
im pretty sure it doesnt exist.

Suicide

The day started terribly, I woke up suddenly from the stress and I felt the beginning of my flu already emerging in the morning, greeting me with a nice throaty cough.

Then I stepped on a tack.

But who fucking cares because I have work.

Doesn't matter because I'm training the person who will probably be replacing me soon. Then I try to fix things but they never fix because I'm always wrong and everything I do I never do correctly anymore.

That's what I feel like now.



Someone who tries and tries but always seem to fall short.



Doctors are a good reminder of ones humanity. How fragile someone like me is.

Apparently I'm weak and I shouldn't let things affect me so much. Like getting the flu from stress. That's a pretty big fucking deal isn't it?

But I should be able to easily fix that, right? I don't even know anymore.



Then I argued with someone on the phone and forgot to smile at the person most important to me because I was still so angry at the person on the phone.

Then I pissed everyone off eventually.

Why am I even alive?

pain

feeling it again
unappreciated
disgrace
shame

guilt

pain


why do i even bother
trying to go out of my way
to please them?
they dont care

went to find a rock
cause he likes rocks
also cuz the bookstore was closed..
not that i'd know what book to get him anyway
but no
the one I pick not good enough

well sorry DAD
that i have school and i'm tryin to fuckin please you
i hate school
doing it for u

sorry DAD that i cant work full time AND fuckin do schoool
sorry that i cant fucking please u no matter what i fucking do

SORRY I'M NOT A FUCKIN SON



fuck azn parents


this is when i wonder if i'm better off dead

New place = new ppl

I'm not one for going out of my way to make friends, but when you're studying in an intensive program with a smaller class you have to.  So many people from Mexico and we got 2 Brazilians (sure as hell not gonna game with them).  Apparently they don't game so... I guess no worries?

So far I'm only comfortable with 2 people in my class. Both gamers of course, but one of them is going to game design as well. 

Still, everyday I'm just looking forward to seeing my partner. 

One day at a time, closer to freedom.





Goals:

Not die.
Not skip.
Do well in school.
Make more friends?
Stay ahead in hwk and projects...
...
screw all that
LET'S GO LONGBOARDING