A final thought

This chapter of my life is nearing an end.

I've finally gotten a taste of what I can expect in the future if I work towards it.

It's so much better than before.


It's reminiscent to the reading the final pages of a book that you couldn't seem to put down. How everything seems to conclude and lead to the final parts, knowing deep down that somehow as long as I'm with the person I love and I keep working hard, I can succeed and be happy with what I have.

It's like knowing that the main character of a story will live happily ever after.

It reminded me long ago of that night in the darkness, my sheets covering me in an arc, laying itself gently over my head and capturing the white glow of the laptop as it shone directly at my face. I scrolled through websites now unknown and stumbled very fatefully at the final comic edition of Calvin and Hobbes.

It made me realize that maybe in a world filled with such uncertainty and magic, even someone like me might make it through alright after all.

lost

no place to call home
no place that feels like home
the shadows grow tall
the walls close in

no place to feel safe
no place to feel loved
just dark patches
blurry blots of nothingness

no place to be free
no place to just sing
howls of pain
suffering and death

no place to be

just to be

to exist

just faded memories

floating around
lost

memoirs of a beautiful girl

to my beloved\\\\\\\

SNOOOOO SNOOOOO

jk

anyhooo
HAH THAT RHYMED
es u're so coo\sthusafsf; asfs;
kehboa too har

k


so


anway

hai


I RAV RUUU

so h whoa STO CHOCKIN I JUS WANNA WRIE
t's o har with our keyboad
keboad
kbo.
we

ssthis

Bad karma

When all the bad begins

And the luck starts to run dry.

When all the good times become grey.

And the sadness begins again.

Just be grateful that you're still human.

Able to feel and digest

Small blips like this

Infinitesimal in the big picture.

A chime the dime makes falling on the pavement

In the middle of a busy street

In the middle of nowhere

Around thousands of strangers.

Beautiful things

Recently I haven't had the chance to delve into my mind and write about things that I find profound or even mundane. It's a good feeling knowing that there is something now that draws the attention of my mind with such intensity that even during the rare times where something else is occupying my thoughts, I know eventually that it will all go back to the warm and comforting thoughts.

I want to write about something that's been bugging me lately. 

Writing has always been my source of introspection, a way to look into my mind through my fingers and eyes. There is a beautiful moment when I write where I feel liquid and everything just seems to flow so naturally from my mind down through my fingers and into the page. It's a very rare exaltation that I thought I could never experience outside of writing.

But I've been feeling that electricity again. The thrill that comes from seeing those ideas floating in your head so eager and brimming with anticipation of being born into this world through writing is somehow recreated for me with the one I love.

It's such an old cliche but I guess I understand now why love is so prevalent in everything we do.

I like to wonder if, in the greater scheme of things, happiness is a different entity than love. Can one exist without the other or are they packaged together like a neat little box lunch probably packed with individual ketchup packets and maybe one or two hot sauce packets. I bet it's got some legit meat and maybe some rice or a little bit of fruit.

Personally I could never grasp the whole happiness pantomime with smiling and being all joyful until I got to know its close friend love. I thought it was just some mockery of a feeling that stemmed from people wanting something to explain why they weren't sad. When I'm not sad I must be happy right?

It just bugged the fuck out of me that the word happiness became such an umbrella term for so many other things that it's meaning became so frivolous.

Nowadays people can't even give you a concrete definition of the word happiness unless they quote the mechanical dictionary meaning or they grace you with their hmm'ing and err'ing's for an hour.

Maybe I'm being so cynical and too rigid about this all but after being asked what happiness is for the tenth time and being unable to produce a decent answer, I really needed to get to the bottom of this.

This brings me back to the subject of love.

Love to me is a totally different creature. It's the strongest link two people can have between each other. THAT IS FACT, I DONT GIVE A FUCK IF YOU THINK OTHERWISE.

It's searching for a good balance between two people and understanding that to keep love strong, the balance sometimes needs to be re-calibrated.

Personally I believe it's an understanding between two individuals.

An openness reserved for the one you love that is otherwise uncomfortable. 

Gentle kindness; because exposing yourself to another person so profoundly turns a heart very fragile.

The ability to recognize the selfish aspects of each other and realize that these are the things that mold the person into who they are.

Respecting the fact that everyone has a light side and a dark side.

Understanding that we are each going through our own particular version of reality, their own story.

Then to nurture.

I think the only advice I would give myself each time I'm troubled and start thinking about the meaning of happiness or love is to stop over-thinking.

Happiness or love can't be defined so easily by words or turned into some abstract formation of lines (How the fuck do you represent joy with lines anyway?).

Stop over-thinking and just make her smile, because that's what she is trying to do for you.

stop writing and go to sleep, you have work tomorrow.

some sophisticated title

I told the witch doctor, I was in love with you
I told the witch doctor, I was in love with you
And then the witch doctor, he told me what to do
He told me:

Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang

I told the witch doctor, you didn't love me true
I told the witch doctor, you didn't love me nice
And then the witch doctor, he gave me this advice:

Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang

You can keep your love from me just like you were a miser,
And I'll admit it wasn't very smart,
But I went out to find my-self a guy that's so much wiser,
And he told me the way to win your heart:

Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, ging, bang

Come on and:
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang

this is a blog right?

like the wind blowing through the trees
like the sea storming in the sea
what.

yes.

like the boob in the boobies

the glass in the glasses


what.

yes.



squeeze squeeze




i'm horny


roLAND

they see me rollin
they hating

i am the ro LAND
land of the RO

I wait for the day someone gives me as much as I give them.
So far null.
Maybe one day.
i doubt it.

what is happiness?
im pretty sure it doesnt exist.

Suicide

The day started terribly, I woke up suddenly from the stress and I felt the beginning of my flu already emerging in the morning, greeting me with a nice throaty cough.

Then I stepped on a tack.

But who fucking cares because I have work.

Doesn't matter because I'm training the person who will probably be replacing me soon. Then I try to fix things but they never fix because I'm always wrong and everything I do I never do correctly anymore.

That's what I feel like now.



Someone who tries and tries but always seem to fall short.



Doctors are a good reminder of ones humanity. How fragile someone like me is.

Apparently I'm weak and I shouldn't let things affect me so much. Like getting the flu from stress. That's a pretty big fucking deal isn't it?

But I should be able to easily fix that, right? I don't even know anymore.



Then I argued with someone on the phone and forgot to smile at the person most important to me because I was still so angry at the person on the phone.

Then I pissed everyone off eventually.

Why am I even alive?

pain

feeling it again
unappreciated
disgrace
shame

guilt

pain


why do i even bother
trying to go out of my way
to please them?
they dont care

went to find a rock
cause he likes rocks
also cuz the bookstore was closed..
not that i'd know what book to get him anyway
but no
the one I pick not good enough

well sorry DAD
that i have school and i'm tryin to fuckin please you
i hate school
doing it for u

sorry DAD that i cant work full time AND fuckin do schoool
sorry that i cant fucking please u no matter what i fucking do

SORRY I'M NOT A FUCKIN SON



fuck azn parents


this is when i wonder if i'm better off dead

New place = new ppl

I'm not one for going out of my way to make friends, but when you're studying in an intensive program with a smaller class you have to.  So many people from Mexico and we got 2 Brazilians (sure as hell not gonna game with them).  Apparently they don't game so... I guess no worries?

So far I'm only comfortable with 2 people in my class. Both gamers of course, but one of them is going to game design as well. 

Still, everyday I'm just looking forward to seeing my partner. 

One day at a time, closer to freedom.





Goals:

Not die.
Not skip.
Do well in school.
Make more friends?
Stay ahead in hwk and projects...
...
screw all that
LET'S GO LONGBOARDING

Animes/Mangas

One Piece
Code Geass
Full Metal Alchemist
Death Note
Working!!
Toradora
Puella Magi
Fairy Tail
Skip Beat

The Other World Part 2

(please read Part 1 first)

A faint light appeared in the distance.  The hopeful soul forces the entity to stop and look.  Sure enough, it was the green spark, it had returned.  Its light, though diminished by its journey, quickly regained its former glow as it drew off the kindness of the entity's soul.  The soul brightened in return, gladly embracing the warmth and light of the green spark, also happy at the spark's joy.

* * *

Smoke... fog... drifting... blanketing the ground... both dangerous and safe. could go either way. fractured thoughts, restless mind, entity moves on.

* * *

      The green spark bounced as it floated, as if content.  The blue soul glowed in response, growing slightly.  The purple swirls circled, forever wary.  The green spark had left it, the guards made sure to protect the soul so it would not be hurt again... hopefully.  Why make up such petty, unnecessary lies when... no... especially to someone so understanding and kind?  Meanwhile the entity trudged on, following the light of the green spark.  Darkness so heavy made the entity hunch over, made it want to stop and give up, but the entity slowly moved on. Step by step. 

     Lightning struck out from Entity, voices were in the distance, treacherous voices speaking only of empty promises and fake friendships.  They just wanted attention, such shallow thoughts... but the entity knew better. It could sense the hidden hostility, the falseness of their kindness... those kinds of people only made "friendships" for their own selfish needs.  The moment you stop feeding them what they want, they abandon you.  Lightning surrounded the entity, creating a static barrier and thunderous shocks... drowning out the insidious cries.  The entity trudged on, looking for what little purity is left, if any.

If something can be destroyed by truth, then it should be.

How I realized I'm "One of those people."

I just realized that I'm weird.

I'm one of the people who would prefer to spend a lot of time with just one person.

If I could just survive I think without interacting with someone else but one person. I totally would.

That's the definition of a clingy person.

Maybe that's why I hate other people?

Fuck other people.

not you, (the guy/girl) reading, if you know me then you're cool.

For now.

But I just realized that I just hate other people except this one person.

It's kind of funny really. It's cynicism and hatred for everyone else but this one person.


it's very great having this one person to be so cynic with.

Being "One of those people" is great.

BEEP BEEP I'M A JEEP

I want to kill myself or stab myself and turn myself into a super human robotic shit



that moment when people are so stupid to the point you literally want to hurt yourself so you can turn into a cyborg and kill them all. 

but seriously. it'd be pretty awesome. then you basically have a free shield if your arm is made out of metal and what not.  


reminds me of FMA

just have a metal arm. turn into whatever u need it to.


THAT'D BE SO AWESOME.


next on list: get rich and turn into superhuman cyborg beast.

English 2 hard

I came across this image in imgur...
and I would like to share it.

the whole time difference thing

Most ppl experience maybe max 6 hours of time difference. But when you go somewhere with a 15 hour time difference it can be quite disorienting. Especially when you arrive at your home earlier (7pm) than the time you left at (11pm) in the SAME DAY.  Hey look guys! Time travelling EXISTS


just in a different sort of way.

you know.

Genital Thunderstorm

https://imgur.com/gallery/3YBNs autocorrect is OP

Ignorance is bliss

Cancer everywhurrr

When the average person is near death, for some reason it creates fear; and with it comes despair. But why despair? When you have lived your life, if you are old and had your fun, if you are 90 years old and saw your children grow up, marry, have kids of their own... why despair? why fear?

The hardest trait to find is acceptance.

Ignorance is bliss, after all.

And if you are young, immediate death; nothing you can do.
Something like cancer, you still have time. Live out your life then. You know what to do with those savings. You can use them right now and just do what you want before you die. Finish that checklist. 

The only thing you could fear if you are dying, is fearing for those you are leaving behind.  Fear of hurting them and them falling to despair.  But they too, must come to accept your passing.  


Death serves as a reminder for us to appreciate the living... and if the living is unfortunate then death serves as a release. 

Steps

Being part of a group was not something I aimed for. It just sort of happens. To regular people I seem like an anomaly, some cut-out character from a movie or book that they might have read or heard of. Intriguing was a word that was used to describe me quite frequently.

But once they get to know me and delve deeper into my personality they realize that things become too real. Is it my fault that the very thing they admire in me is also the thing they suddenly begin fearing? There are those who feel that they are okay with the darker actions as long as it protected others. A sense of greater good, or justice if you will. There are those who think they can handle a bit of fire and chaos in their life but if you introduce to them just enough to singe them slightly they begin to fear a deep burning and completely back off.

I left a trail of bad friendships and hatred towards me when all I wanted was some companionship. I couldn't help what I was and all the negativity towards me grew into such a weight that it pulled me down and made me feel like I was never going to fit in and there would be no reason to continue. I was a mistake and I didn't know how to fix myself.

Then I met others like me. Some called them outcasts and thugs. I called them friends. A type of friendship that transcended stupid drama and instead stepped quickly into an unspoken agreement of trust through fire.

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE