I want to write about something that's been bugging me lately.
Writing has always been my source of introspection, a way to look into my mind through my fingers and eyes. There is a beautiful moment when I write where I feel liquid and everything just seems to flow so naturally from my mind down through my fingers and into the page. It's a very rare exaltation that I thought I could never experience outside of writing.
But I've been feeling that electricity again. The thrill that comes from seeing those ideas floating in your head so eager and brimming with anticipation of being born into this world through writing is somehow recreated for me with the one I love.
It's such an old cliche but I guess I understand now why love is so prevalent in everything we do.
I like to wonder if, in the greater scheme of things, happiness is a different entity than love. Can one exist without the other or are they packaged together like a neat little box lunch probably packed with individual ketchup packets and maybe one or two hot sauce packets. I bet it's got some legit meat and maybe some rice or a little bit of fruit.
Personally I could never grasp the whole happiness pantomime with smiling and being all joyful until I got to know its close friend love. I thought it was just some mockery of a feeling that stemmed from people wanting something to explain why they weren't sad. When I'm not sad I must be happy right?
It just bugged the fuck out of me that the word happiness became such an umbrella term for so many other things that it's meaning became so frivolous.
Nowadays people can't even give you a concrete definition of the word happiness unless they quote the mechanical dictionary meaning or they grace you with their hmm'ing and err'ing's for an hour.
Maybe I'm being so cynical and too rigid about this all but after being asked what happiness is for the tenth time and being unable to produce a decent answer, I really needed to get to the bottom of this.
This brings me back to the subject of love.
Love to me is a totally different creature. It's the strongest link two people can have between each other. THAT IS FACT, I DONT GIVE A FUCK IF YOU THINK OTHERWISE.
It's searching for a good balance between two people and understanding that to keep love strong, the balance sometimes needs to be re-calibrated.
Personally I believe it's an understanding between two individuals.
An openness reserved for the one you love that is otherwise uncomfortable.
Gentle kindness; because exposing yourself to another person so profoundly turns a heart very fragile.
The ability to recognize the selfish aspects of each other and realize that these are the things that mold the person into who they are.
Respecting the fact that everyone has a light side and a dark side.
Understanding that we are each going through our own particular version of reality, their own story.
Then to nurture.
I think the only advice I would give myself each time I'm troubled and start thinking about the meaning of happiness or love is to stop over-thinking.
Happiness or love can't be defined so easily by words or turned into some abstract formation of lines (How the fuck do you represent joy with lines anyway?).
Stop over-thinking and just make her smile, because that's what she is trying to do for you.
stop writing and go to sleep, you have work tomorrow.
stop writing and go to sleep, you have work tomorrow.