cooking school

So we finally started cooking school (yay!), unfortunately our knife kits are delayed a week.

Our chef is super french - it's pretty awesome except sometimes when it's loud it's hard to understand him.  

We've only learned knife skills so far and I have to say that "turning" / "shaping" something is so fricking hard to do. looks easy sure but I can't do it at all. You're supposed to trim whatever you're cutting (e.g. potato) into a football shape. 





MY REAL RESUME

So I've been starting to realize just how incredibly nerdy my life has been these past years. I've made a gaming resume of sorts before but ever since my girlfriend had told me to list all the things that I have done that could be considered lazy; I realize that I could be a dork.



  • 10 Year veteran on RuneScape with Max cape for 3 years
  • Server 2nd Heroic Deathwing, Server 1st Corrupted Phoenix mount drop
  • S7 Glad 
  • Three 150+ Characters on Maplestory
  • One tournament win Super Smash Brothers Melee
  • Played for a semi-pro team for DOTA1 as role 3 and 5
  • 100%'d too many games to list
  • Able to speedrun Mario 3
  • Completed Pokemon yellow pokedex
  • Beaten hardest level of Pokemon Stadium 64
That's just my gaming stuff

  • Extensive knowledge of the lore in many fantasy universes (WoW, RS, LoTR, Marvel, DC, Warhammer, Elder Scrolls, Dark Souls, Fire Emblem, Zelda...) I'm forgetting a lot
  • Played Yu-gi-oh competitively
  • Painted Warhammer figurines for money 
  • Have many Pikachu toys


Thats just from thinking about it for 10 minutes. I'm sure I'll be able to remember more in the future.

I always thought I had to hide my powerlevel from people, especially my girlfriend. But it really makes me happy knowing that I can share these things with the one I love the most. D'awwwwwww

Love is a growing craving

Love is a craving

It is the warmth in your heart

When you see her smile

It is the feeling of incomparable defeat

When you feel as though you have disappointed

It is the desire to be with her for everything

When no-one else is good enough anymore

It is the colour in your life

When the world that was once sepia becomes vibrant shades

It is the feeling of being complete

When you know she's also feeling this craving



Steps

"Yes, pigs like any animal can be agressive. They are big. They have teeth, and hoves and simple body mass. To keep them gentle, interact with them in a positive manner from the start. Tame them. Get them used to thinking of you in a positive frame. But never let them think they are boss. You must be the boss, the alpha, the leader. Any overly agressive animals should simply be eaten. You want to cull the herd of any who are nasty. That must be a firm rule – Be nice or be dinner."

That quote is so describing who I want to be that it's not even funny.

What kind of guy runs a farm where he can grow pigs and eat them in time for Christmas dinner?

The guy who wants to be an awesome chef and cook the best things ever.

Its decided.

I am for sure going for culinary school. There are no more doubts in my mind. I will make the best food ever to please my Vi.



OH GOD IM LIKE THAT GUY


Must make best food for Vi..






Tilapia farming. They only need running water for exercise. Make them strong by training them hard and running their water at intervals of 1 day sprint 1 day rest. Feed them quality food.

(EASY)


Pig farming. This is more intense but taking care of a pig from a baby can change completely the quality of the meat. Keeping a pig well taken care of for 8 months is a very easy task once funds are easily accessed.

(This is much later on)


Growing and taking care of a pear tree with healthy fertilizer and proper nutrition. Then harvesting
the really good pear and grinding up the seeds for added seasoning on my fish.
Store bought will probably be fine for now.


Bouillon I need to do more. It seems like a hassle but its not. You can keep liquid bouillon in the fridge forever.


growing own herbs and spices are easy and a must. That shit is required, don't skimp on that when you start cooking well man.
Remember what you learned... herb plants require 6 hours of sunlight each day and not be too hot in the afternoons. That means planting a fan at them during summer.

TURN THE PLANT POT FREQUENTLY. MARK YOUR POT.

One of the biggest reasons plants die is because water gets stagnant at the bottom and it kills the plant. Drain thorougly, you don't want that dirty water rot the crap out of your roots. It was during this moment that I realized that the words 'Rot and Root' are one letter apart.

6 to 8 inches in height before touching those bad-boys and take only a quarter at a time or you'll kill it bro. Don't cut again until it's healed completely back to when you cut it. That stuff needs time, dont kill your plant bro.



So these are just some few things that I can do to make proper quality foods that is deserving of my Vi, just make sure to never forget what drives you and ... Be nice  or Be dinner.



New Amsterdam Cafe

I came upon this place after exploring the cafes along Hastings street. It's entrance attracts eyes to the various glassware and marijuana related things encompassed within the glass showcases that lead into the store. Once you enter you're greeted with high ceilings and colourful hand-painted artwork that makes the place so unique. If there's something you need in your adventures of marijuana then this place has it. They stock vapes, glassware, grinders, containers to store weed in, clothing with their name on it, you name it. They even have postcards if that's your thing.

The reason I go so frequently is the vapour bar aspect of the cafe. They let you rent a vapourizer to use for an hour and it is a different, and in my opinion, much better way to smoke marijuana. I go for my chamomile tea and vape, it's a pretty good combination. I've met many interesting people and brought many friends to this place just to have a casual chat and smoke. It's a different atmosphere and it brings out a different vibe from each person that comes and stays to enjoy the place, usually it's a pleasant one.


The sandwiches are good, I've personally tried them all just to make sure that I knew which one I liked. I would recommend one of the special grilled cheese sandwiches (So aptly named, the Cheech or the Chong), they are very good (Make sure to ask for ketchup if that's you're style).


The various pastries are such a tease when you sit at the bar. They're all very good and they have a nice selection of gluten-free items that would please even the most picky eater.


The drinks are good, I come back for the tea and maybe sometimes for a smoothie if I feel like something especially nice. 


Don't ever get the pie, it is way too good and I have to pretend it's not there to stop myself from getting some each time I visit. But if you do ignore my advice, just remember that it comes with ice cream so enjoy each bite with a bit of it on your spoon, it's how it's meant to be eaten and for good reason.


The ventilation is nice, especially for a vapour bar that allows their customers to smoke up joints and bongs, the fans circulate the air around the cafe, allowing the stale smoky air to exit through the back or the front. 


At night it gets extremely busy. Patrons standing and leaning on the tables to enjoy their smoking and eating, their eyes absently looking around during lulls of silence in their conversations, patiently waiting for those who are finished to leave to eagerly  scoop up their seat. But don't let that stop you from coming, it is an experience that I recommend most everyone to try out at least once in their life. 


During the day it becomes more of a chill location, one where I have in many occasions chosen to do my writing at. If the thought of coming here when it's packed still overwhelms you, come during the day. It's all smiles and friendliness from the staff and the owner.


The music varies depending on the person(s) working at the time. Personally, I never had any problem with their music selection, it varies from Hip Hop to electronic and from jazz and rock. 


Like the music selection, the visitors of this cafe vary from different kinds of places. There are tourists who come to visit and enjoy the sights, students who come during breaks just to enjoy a snack, business men and women in suits and formal attire looking to smoke in between meetings, retirees who are eager to exchange a few words, and many others. So if you fall under the group of people who would never go here, I implore you to rethink and visit it one day, it is an experience that you can't really get anywhere else in North America.


This pie is amazing

A final thought

This chapter of my life is nearing an end.

I've finally gotten a taste of what I can expect in the future if I work towards it.

It's so much better than before.


It's reminiscent to the reading the final pages of a book that you couldn't seem to put down. How everything seems to conclude and lead to the final parts, knowing deep down that somehow as long as I'm with the person I love and I keep working hard, I can succeed and be happy with what I have.

It's like knowing that the main character of a story will live happily ever after.

It reminded me long ago of that night in the darkness, my sheets covering me in an arc, laying itself gently over my head and capturing the white glow of the laptop as it shone directly at my face. I scrolled through websites now unknown and stumbled very fatefully at the final comic edition of Calvin and Hobbes.

It made me realize that maybe in a world filled with such uncertainty and magic, even someone like me might make it through alright after all.


Beautiful things

Recently I haven't had the chance to delve into my mind and write about things that I find profound or even mundane. It's a good feeling knowing that there is something now that draws the attention of my mind with such intensity that even during the rare times where something else is occupying my thoughts, I know eventually that it will all go back to the warm and comforting thoughts.

I want to write about something that's been bugging me lately. 

Writing has always been my source of introspection, a way to look into my mind through my fingers and eyes. There is a beautiful moment when I write where I feel liquid and everything just seems to flow so naturally from my mind down through my fingers and into the page. It's a very rare exaltation that I thought I could never experience outside of writing.

But I've been feeling that electricity again. The thrill that comes from seeing those ideas floating in your head so eager and brimming with anticipation of being born into this world through writing is somehow recreated for me with the one I love.

It's such an old cliche but I guess I understand now why love is so prevalent in everything we do.



I like to wonder if, in the greater scheme of things, happiness is a different entity than love. Can one exist without the other or are they packaged together like a neat little box lunch probably packed with individual ketchup packets and maybe one or two hot sauce packets. I bet it's got some legit meat and maybe some rice or a little bit of fruit.

Personally I could never grasp the whole happiness pantomime with smiling and being all joyful until I got to know its close friend love. I thought it was just some mockery of a feeling that stemmed from people wanting something to explain why they weren't sad. When I'm not sad I must be happy right?

It just bugged the fuck out of me that the word happiness became such an umbrella term for so many other things that it's meaning became so frivolous.

Nowadays people can't even give you a concrete definition of the word happiness unless they quote the mechanical dictionary meaning or they grace you with their hmm'ing and err'ing's for an hour.

Maybe I'm being so cynical and too rigid about this all but after being asked what happiness is for the tenth time and being unable to produce a decent answer, I really needed to get to the bottom of this.


This brings me back to the subject of love.

Love to me is a totally different creature. It's the strongest link two people can have between each other. THAT IS FACT, I DONT GIVE A FUCK IF YOU THINK OTHERWISE.

It's searching for a good balance between two people and understanding that to keep love strong, the balance sometimes needs to be re-calibrated.

Personally I believe it's an understanding between two individuals.

An openness reserved for the one you love that is otherwise uncomfortable. 
Gentle kindness; because exposing yourself to another person so profoundly turns a heart very fragile.
The ability to recognize the selfish aspects of each other and realize that these are the things that mold the person into who they are.
Respecting the fact that everyone has a light side and a dark side.
Understanding that we are each going through our own particular version of reality, their own story.
Then to nurture.

I think the only advice I would give myself each time I'm troubled and start thinking about the meaning of happiness or love is to stop over-thinking.

Happiness or love can't be defined so easily by words or turned into some abstract formation of lines (How the fuck do you represent joy with lines anyway?).


Stop over-thinking and just make her smile, because that's what she is trying to do for you.

stop writing and go to sleep, you have work tomorrow.





some sophisticated title

I told the witch doctor, I was in love with you
I told the witch doctor, I was in love with you
And then the witch doctor, he told me what to do
He told me:

Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang

I told the witch doctor, you didn't love me true
I told the witch doctor, you didn't love me nice
And then the witch doctor, he gave me this advice:

Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang

You can keep your love from me just like you were a miser,
And I'll admit it wasn't very smart,
But I went out to find my-self a guy that's so much wiser,
And he told me the way to win your heart:

Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, ging, bang

Come on and:
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang
Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, ah, ting, tang, walla, walla, bing, bang

English 2 hard

I came across this image in imgur...
and I would like to share it.


Genital Thunderstorm

https://imgur.com/gallery/3YBNs autocorrect is OP

Steps

Being part of a group was not something I aimed for. It just sort of happens. To regular people I seem like an anomaly, some cut-out character from a movie or book that they might have read or heard of. Intriguing was a word that was used to describe me quite frequently.

But once they get to know me and delve deeper into my personality they realize that things become too real. Is it my fault that the very thing they admire in me is also the thing they suddenly begin fearing? There are those who feel that they are okay with the darker actions as long as it protected others. A sense of greater good, or justice if you will. There are those who think they can handle a bit of fire and chaos in their life but if you introduce to them just enough to singe them slightly they begin to fear a deep burning and completely back off.

I left a trail of bad friendships and hatred towards me when all I wanted was some companionship. I couldn't help what I was and all the negativity towards me grew into such a weight that it pulled me down and made me feel like I was never going to fit in and there would be no reason to continue. I was a mistake and I didn't know how to fix myself.

Then I met others like me. Some called them outcasts and thugs. I called them friends. A type of friendship that transcended stupid drama and instead stepped quickly into an unspoken agreement of trust through fire.

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Gemstones

Gemstones are pretty friggin' awesome. So many colours, so many swirls. Different transparencies, different designs. Different shapes, different sizes.

Rocks in general are awesome.
You have rough ones - untouched by the flowing currents of water - the smooth ones that are brushed by these waves - shiny ones that have been polished by a curious adventurer - dusty ones that have been forgotten by old adventurers - and so on.

Rocks hold so many secrets, esp amber - containing DNA
Rocks are the foundation for so many buildings and natural structures 
Rocks can be used as tools, channel stones, or simply decorations.


What a strange life

It never ceases to amaze me just how life has decided to take the wheel with my life recently. For those who don't believe in fate, you're clearly missing out.

Some may call me lucky but I create my own luck at times and when I do it's mostly bad luck. People only seem to notice achievements but they fail to realize that similar to tetris, mistakes pile up and achievements will disappear but will give you a sense of pride that is akin to collecting points.

Nevertheless I built up a collection of bad blocks over the past couple years and maybe that one line block that I've been waiting for has finally decided to show its face for me.

It's a strange feeling writing about something other than a deep sadness or facetious rant but this is something that I've been putting off because recently I could not seem to form any coherent thought or blurb about something as complex as love.

Being a person who requires time to process and plan things out, I felt that my surge of impulsiveness required a much longer time to regurgitate into some words. So here it is, a sense of nothingness that I hope will become something more for the ones who wish to understand my scribbling.

I've been breaking a lot of rules and comfort zones and though everyone seems to frown upon my decisions, I feel - No - I know that the decisions I've made have been fruitful and positive.

People say not to love too fast because you leave yourself vulnerable.

People say not to test the waters with both feet.

People say not to rely on others for happiness.

People say that happiness comes from within.

People say that in order to be happy with someone, you must first be happy with yourself.

And these people are not wrong. These people are those who have molded themselves with the same fire that I seek. Experiences that they have trudged through and the hurt they have felt have given them every right to preach and warn.

But maybe I don't fear what they fear.

Maybe I seek something different and maybe I want to be different. I am a different person than most and that's something that I've grown to accept.

Maybe I've found someone that I feel deserves what I can provide and more.

Maybe I've found someone who will hold my hand as we jump into these waters together.

Maybe I've found someone who gives me a strange warmth that makes me feel as though happiness is something that is both physical and mental.

Maybe I've found someone who needs me as much as I need them.

Maybe I've found someone that is broken like me and we can fix each other with one step at a time.

And maybe I've found someone who keeps me up at night and makes me unable to sleep because reality is finally better than my dreams.

I was never the kind of person to follow rules anyway.

EVERYBODY CRAB NOW

EVERYBODY CRAB NOW
DOO DOO DOODOO DOO DOO

*rap mode engaged*
GET DOWN ON ALL FOURS
CRAWL AROUND LIKE ROAR
PINCH THE AIR LIKE YOU GOT CLAWS
CUZ FUCK THE POPO AND ALL LAWS

EVERYBODY CRAB NOW
DOO DOO DOODOO DOO DOO




OH GOD WHY?? 
this is the stupidest shit ever.


continue wid ur life pls.



Hope

There's this place called Hope about 130 kilometers from where I live. I always see the name in the highway signs when I drive back home from a night out. It would say something like, Hope - 120 kilometers.

Back before I had a car I still saw those signs when I was being driven or when I walked by the highway. It was a strange sign to me and although I knew that the place was probably some crappy little city before heading into the wilderness and passing into Alberta, I still felt like it was some magical place that everyone needs to visit one day.

It's something I never shared with anyone, seeing the signs for Hope and seeing it so far away. It was such a sad thought that never failed to fuck my mood up and it always confused me as to why.

I promised myself that one day I would see it and I would be glad that Hope was nothing but a small city in a small area in this small world. But I never end up reaching it, no matter how much I try to go there.

There's always an excuse; it's too hard to get there, It's too rainy, I don't have enough money. But really there's no reason for me to go there.

Hope is just so far away from me.


gym feels

this one ain't so serious folks, i promise :)


Due to the gigantic influx of gym-goers fulfilling their resolution it's been a bit cramped in the gym I go to usually. My usual gym is a very fitting dumbbell shaped room with the free weights and machines being farthest from the entrance and the yoga mats and straps for gimmicky fitness related crap closest. The treadmills, non-moving bikes and stair-things are in the middle.

Ignore the lines inside the rectangles, I was just lazy and didn't edit them out

January 2 comes along and I drive to the gym as per usual - going the long way trying to avoid cops and having to turn into incoming traffic because I fear for my life frequently. But as I pull into the parking lot my face contorts into confusion and I reach for the volume control of my stereo to turn down Ice Cube and his opinions on west coast and east coast relations. Last year I began going to the gym religiously after mid April and I didn't get to experience the new years rush. So when I finally found a parking spot behind the ice rink arena a block away, I didn't realize just how many people would be streaming in and taking all the parking. I shrugged and dismissed the mild inconvenience, I was going to the gym anyway, what was the problem with walking a couple more steps to the doors? But obviously it gets worse.

My gym is located in the left wing of a giant recreational center. This meant that usually when I ran on the treadmills I could watch people swim and play around in the big wave pool right in front of my gym, only a thick glass wall separating the two. This also meant that after my workout I usually went into the hot tub or sauna and stared at the wall until I was satisfied. But as I entered the building I could already hear how crowded it was in the gym floor, especially for 5 in the morning after New Years day. I'd like to think it was because the receptionist saw my confused look, or maybe it was because she too was feeling overwhelmed, but she nodded at me as per usual and instead of casually dismissing me, she instead started telling me at how incredibly rude the new people were. I nodded trying so very hard to feign interest but really all I wanted was to start my workout because it was back day and that meant deadlifting and deadlifting is the highlight of my day.

A minute of small talk turned to five and I knew it would turn into ten if I didn't eject myself out of there. I made sure that the receptionist noticed my sudden change of direction when I looked for the time and shrugged when I, "suddenly realized that I'm kind of in a hurry and should get this thing started."

Opening the door to the gym was an experience all in itself. The doors were airtight and slightly soundproof so all I could hear from the lobby while I chatted with the nice receptionist was the low rumble of machines being used and the low mumble of many people talking and grunting. But when I opened them the sounds amplified themselves by at least 10x. Talk of what body they were aiming for, what protein shakes they had bought, what brand shoes they thought were best, and various other useless crap mishmashed into a cacophony of high pitched squealing that for some reason annoyed the shit out of me.

"Wow Cindy, I am so fucking hung over right now but I want to get fit and better for 2014!"
Yeah we're such partygoers! Let's continue talking while you sit on the only bench press so people can't use it!

Don't get me wrong though, I totally condone verbal interactions between two people, I just fucking hate it when everyone tries so very hard to talk over the noise and it ends up being a room filled with people screaming at each other.

"Whatever, I'll just run on the treadmill and listen to some nice music to get into my zone before I start lifting some heavy-ass weight."

But that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Our gym had a total of 15 treadmills and I had never seen them so full that there's a lineup to run on them. There were two employees of the rec center carefully watching and timing people on the treadmill and instructing them to get off after ten minutes. That's how crowded it was.

I usually don't write about fatties but there were two that laid down on the yoga area and took up all 8 of the mats. It was almost artistic how they laid down so majestically that they needed every single mat to cushion their already cushioned limbs. It bothered me how people didn't tell them off only because they were probably pushing four-hundo and it would be mean if anyone got in their way to bettering their lifestyle. What was really amazing though were the regular yoga girls and guys that somehow managed to achieve meditative state pushed into the corner of the room with no mats of their own. If you have never seen ten or so grown adults in lotus positions back to back and inches from each other, I recommend it. Those people who can meditate in that environment probably deserve some inner nirvana.

Oh god the free weights.

It was disastrous.

Have you ever been so pissed that you wrote a poem in your car? I surely haven't.

It took me 10 minutes to get the six plates I needed to start deadlifting. It was strange how some of the kids there held onto their plates and how hurt they looked when you asked if you could use it. If it wasn't for the regulars I probably would have taken twice as long to hunt down more plates. I don't even know how I got my hands on an olympic bar, considering there were only two in the gym.

I did my first set of five and for some strange reason strangers around me took that as a signal to start giving me advice. I know how daunting the gym can be for first-timers and I understand the value of advice and wisdom given to me by those who have achieved or are close to achieving their goals. Hell, if it wasn't for some random guy who suggested I try deadlifting and squatting, I wouldn't be enjoying the gym as much. But if it's some 15 year old and his friends hanging out at the gym during Winter Vacation with 8 inch arms and curling 25's with shite form, I start to have a problem with it.

According to them a deadlift rep doesn't count if you touch the floor with the plates when you bring it down. According to them and other's around them that deadlifting is dangerous and if I go any heavier than what I am doing right now I will break my back.

I learned a cool ability that day. The ability to stare at someone and hear them, but not actually listen to them.

If I sound smug or condescending towards these people, then fuck you. Motivation begins and ends from within and if these people's motivation begins at January then cool, I don't give a fuck. But when their motivation ends at February and I can go back to quick hour long workouts then I will be the last person to cry for them. If it doesn't end at February and instead keeps going, then cool.

It pains me to know that most of the people in the gym right now won't know the joy of hitting a big milestone in an almost empty gym while those around you clap.

Not really doe, fucking hell I hope February comes quick.



Growing up

It's almost 2014 here in British Columbia and I just noticed that I've only written four blogposts in all of 2013. It doesn't matter much to anyone but myself and the incredibly small handful of people that read brodinary but happiness starts with myself and I want to do things because I want to do them, not because I want others to see that I've done them.

This year was the year of motivation for me. Every year since I've been able to understand and comprehend things, there has been a plethora of nice and comfortable things that have been happening to me annually and without fail. Coming from a family with the emphasis on family, we did most events as a family and sharing it with another as a family. I've always had the big brother or kid idea stamped so deep into this picturesque scene that I was so comfortable and unaware that I was really only one thing. We would go out and celebrate Canada Day or Easter and for the first bit of my life I was a kid, enjoying the things and not really participating in the behind the scenes stuff like placing the eggs or planning the events of the day. Then I grew up and started filling the role of a big brother.

There I would become a big part of the preparation. Since this is my blog, I'm going to act superior to you. Being a big brother is a pretty big deal, I was responsible for three lives that would go out on their own eventually and lead their own beautiful and happy lives and I was responsible for mine. I gave up three years of my life because for some reason I wanted to see how they would grow in their most vulnerable and most impressionable state. Of course that's  not the only reason I basically disappeared for three years. Laziness was also a big factor, also self hatred and some depression blah blah blah. Amidst the three years of debauchery and self exploration, I took care of my three siblings and I don't think I'll ever consider those years being wasted.

Feel free to judge me all you want, call me a loser or call me a lazy bum. Just know that it was my choice to be these things. Fuck you because I had the ability to do this and you're just jealous that you can't be lazy for three years watching your siblings grow into amazing living breathing people with hobbies and interests and complicated conflicts.

So I became a big brother and I helped with these things and participated in them equally. That was my first taste of really growing up.

I was a big brother for 9 years, but I really started being one four years ago, when my responsibilities suddenly disappeared and I was faced with a blank canvas and the question, "What do I do now?"

Then four years came and gone and I learned a lot about everything. I had too much time to think and too much time to dwell. I had fights with depression, fights with friends, fights with family, and fights with myself.
But even through all that I still remembered to be a big brother and maybe just maybe I came out of it a better person. Now that my time as just a big brother is ending and I have to start thinking of being an adult, I've found some lull time. I didn't realize that my life was moving on until late this year.

It was around late April of 2012 that I begun growing up. The final and youngest sibling was eager and able to enter school soon and while everyone was preparing him mentally and physically for the big day, I was secretly preparing myself mentally of his transition into independence. Soon he wouldn't need me to watch him the entire day and his own day will consist of adventuring into subjects like math and spelling without me. This was the absolute definition of bittersweet for me. When you take care of someone or someones for a long time you start to wonder if they're relying on you or if you're relying on them.

Then eventually they started becoming their own person. They go to school and meet new people. They begin sharing the things they've learned and they're so very beautiful about it. They beam and radiate a certain warmth that you only feel because they are shining so bright. Then it slows down.

They start having problems and begin to learn that they can solve it themselves or with other people, you're not needed as much anymore.

Then they realize they can share the things that make them happy to people their age, ones who might appreciate it more. I remember many times where they would show me a drawing and the only reason I was so happy about it was because they were so happy about it. Not because it was an amazing work of art or not because it was something that required a lot of commitment but only because they were so proud and happy about it.

I remember waking up at October, cold and miserable, my heater had somehow stopped during the middle of the night and the cold air seeped in slowly through the bottom of the door. I had woken up without opening my eyes but I already knew something was wrong because I was so ridiculously cold. Then I pulled the blankets up to my eyes and relished in all the comfort. It was too cold and too comfy to get out and try to restart the heater so I was just stuck in that little bubble of comfort I had created with my blanket. I laid there comfortable and quiet, letting the silence of suburbia soak in the glowy aftereffect of my dreams. I had lain there for a long time before the sounds of everyone waking up started.

Three months ago I needed to get up and sleep next to my brother just encase he rolled off the bed or if he started coughing. Then I needed to start making breakfast or find the change of diapers or DVD of Blues Clues before he woke up. Then we planned the day together and we would either stay in and watch TV or go out and play in the park.

But instead I just laid there, with nothing I needed to do.

Then I started realizing just how alone I truly was now that they didn't me anymore.


So my resolution, my final resolution for 2013.

Don't forget all the feelings and terrible searching you needed to do to get to where you are now. No matter how shit you start feeling or how bad you want it to all just end, just remember the nice times things you felt and the nice things you will feel. Move on because they are moving on. Everybody is moving on. That isn't too hard is it? Just don't forget those beautiful pockets of happiness and maybe you can feel it again someday. Just that chance of feeling it again is enough to keep you going, and don't argue with me because I know it is.

Mahjong

I wrote this a while back in a discussion about Asian families and how it was like growing up in North America. The act of "washing" mahjong tiles consists of haphazardly pushing in your own tiles with everyone elses and shuffling them all together. With the tiles being made of bone or hard plastic, this gave a very loud and recognizable clashing. It was a noise that, if heard anywhere, you would instantly assume that it was people enjoying a game of mahjong.



To me the washing of mahjong tiles somewhere in the house is, even now after so many years, like white noise. Beyond the drowsiness, it drifts me back to those Friday and Saturday nights when the parents got together and threw us kids like shrugged off coats into a pile, upstairs or down in the basement. It didn't matter. A kid, one usually four years older would act like a den mother or wedgie dispensing brother for the night: we still needed to be watched.

Scrabble or Pictionary or Monopoly already set up before we arrived. Hot Wheels or Lego dumped on the carpet.

At Paolo's house, Marvin's sister Lana, 4 years older, was the warden. She decided what activities would be available, the aforementioned board games, a cartoon tape in the VCR: Denver the Last Dinosaur or Chipmunks' World Adventure or some Disney flick.

Sometimes we were bifurcated. Boys in the living room snapping together their stupid hot wheels tracks through cities of LEGO. Though there was always a girl or two out of the bunch who wanted in, for the most part the girls would retreat into the unknown territory of Gina's room and emerge later subtly different. More sparkly?

But most times we were together. Under the hot cone lamp that hung over the dark wooden breakfast table we wanted to be the racecar or the terrier, or tried to guess somebody’s scribble of a mutant cactus, or stole someone else's letter, or slipped a hundred Monopoly bucks out of the bank while Gina was distracted by her idiot brother’s antics.

We were together doing our stupid little talent show contests, rolling into the room to "I aint fraid of no ghosts," looking like Chippendale dancers with particle accelerators strapped to our backs. Or we were going around the world in the hot air balloon of the living room carpet. I was always Alvin, the charismatic chipmunk. One was Simon, the nerd. One was Theodore, who liked to eat. All the girls wanted to be Brittany.

Paolo’s place wasn’t the only place we knew. The parents liked to rotate. Us kids had a feeling for each. Marvin’s was cool because it had a big screen projection TV and you could play big Nintendo. It had a basketball hoop out back and the patio was quartered into large concrete slabs perfect for 4-square. There were games of ping pong on the table out on the patio as the moths whirled around the flood lamps and got stuck in big bangs or flung themselves into mouths as we exclaimed: Slam you! Bammo! Pfffth! Another plus: Marvin's parents always had push up pops in their drop-in freezer and fun could be had pretending to push the kid who reached inside for one.

Jon’s place was like visiting the country, or what we understood the country to be, it was actually farmland Cloverdale. It was twenty minutes by car and sat on two acres, one of them wooded. It wasn’t really country, but at dusk the fireflies came out like it. Once one of the girls, Yna, caught thirty of them in a jar and cried when they were all dead in two hours.

At Ellen’s there were dogs kept in an outdoor pen and little bunny rabbits in the woods. At all the other houses the boys slept with the boys, the girls with the girls, but at Ellen’s we huddled in the dark, on the living room’s pink 70s carpet, surrounded not by tacky wood panels but by the piney woods of rural Newton long ago. We told each other ghost stories by the light of a 4DD lamp and leapt at each other for shrieks and made it so not one of us could sleep. We kept telling stories until dawn, until our parents dragged us, bleary eyed, to the car where sleep would finally find us.

The sleep ritual was always most stringent at Marvin’s. His mom always came downstairs, stern and efficient (she had a game to return to). She was mother to all of us at that moment. We were made to brush our teeth (we each maintained a toothbrush there) and wash our faces. At Marvin’s house there were only two cramped kid’s rooms so they put us kids in Marvin’s and Lana's beds, respectively. They had us boys lay horizontally across Marvin’s queen size and we would jostle each other or hog the sheets or throw them on a surprise victim to dutch oven. Man, how flatulent we were. SBD’s and Bitbrrrrrrs and Atomic Fireballs and Chinese Firecrackers. Lana would come in and threaten to tell on us, on our gas and our guffawing. Gina and Ellen and Yna would crowd around her, their faces gradually scrunching up in disgust around the point of their twitching noses.

We calmed ourselves, threw our hands over our mouths. We promised we would be good. Promise. And the girls went back to their room as we tried to eat our laughter.


This sleeping arrangement continued for many years. I don’t remember exactly at what point it was decided we were too old for it. Or who decided this. With my feet hanging off the side of Marvin’s bed, I was already beginning to feel suffocated by my life. Yet still I had no clue that this, all this glory, was doomed. Even lying there planning my eventual escape from childhood, it was not something that came to mind. That we would grow up to such an extent and grow apart, or that one of us would begin to smoke pot, or we would start sneaking off with one of the girls for sex. That some of us would have better things to do with their white friends and some would move far far away. Still thankfully inconceivable. And farthest from my scheming brain: that eventually we would keep in touch through the rare electronic missive, connected only by faded photograph and crumbling memory, and by the sound of those mahjong tiles being washed as we drifted to sleep.

Stroll through the beach


Through youthful touch we meet in blankets of sand.
Darkest brown, your gaze tightening, hearts constricting band.
Soft breeze, dark ocean, thoughts of petty tease,
Your form, ever so burning, eternally, my eager disease.

Pray tell, Annabella, for do tax my heart!
For I fear this love and crime are not far apart.
Sultry winks and adorable romances,
A beautiful result for one’s own precarious advances.

We were naught, a simple two,
Caught upon a careful charade for too few.
Be it fates hand that meld us to one;
For ‘til time come now, we hath not begun.

Our hands meet upon white sands of oceans tongue,
We are, stories told, but a song loved and unsung.
As final day’s gentle flames flow far into the distance,
Our warmth glow and we are one, from loves careful persistence.

Gentle whispers of desire and sinful ability,
We are but space and time, humanity’s true invisibility.
A display of our true and final affection,
The one most eager for us all, our lustful infection.

Christmas Miracle

Warning: Some serious feels in this article

It's a widely known fact that December is a time for both giving and taking. Not in the sense of gift exchange but in the sense of criminal behaviour. Behind the sugar coated curtain of Christmas glee and affection lies a very select group of scum that target to take advantage of these kinds of people. There are two kinds of people during Christmas Eve. The ones that approach the 25th with the plan to smile a bit more, or ones that approach the 25th, circling the date, and making sure that they're prepared to start breaking into houses or mugging those unfortunate carrying bags filled with presents.

You tend to hear such expressions like, 'Oh their house got robbed on Christmas? That's really unfortunate' or 'Oh they lost their daughter so close to Christmas? That's really unfortunate.' Both those scenarios are really bad but an added magnitude accompanies them when mentioned that it happened in such a close proximity to Christmas day.

Unbeknownst to little Susan, her house was being robbed during her rendition of Silent Night. Better have kept those receipts bitttch


I spent a beautiful Christmas morning stuck in a dark room with someone that was not going to be around for much longer. Because it was Christmas I felt an extra ounce of compassion in my heart for this man that is usually reserved for extremely attractive Asian women.

This particular person suffered from the common ailment of being incredibly unlucky. So it was my job to watch him and make sure that this person didn't spread his unluckiness.

The room itself was just a dark cold room with one single exposed lightbulb on the floor in the middle of the room. Our shadows were cascaded in such intricate shapes that it was like we had silent silhouettes of guardians that watched over the two of us. Two chairs and a table were the only things given to us. We had no source of entertainment other than each other and really that was way more than enough when I got started.

So this John that I was with suffered through the textbook symptoms of facing inevitability. His hands were shaking, his eyes were darting around, and he was blinking faster than an epileptic watching Japanese television. Soon he would tire himself out and then he would begin to ask questions. In this room of waiting, societal norms would crumble and it didn't matter if you were racist, ugly, or a woman. There was one person in front of you and if that person was a young Asian kid then you better forget the fact that your grandfather called my grandfather a gook and begin to understand just how hopeless you are.

 May the gods pity the man who in his callousness can remain sane to the hideous end!


People broke faster than others and this person here broke pretty fast. Maybe it was the added weight of Christmas day or whatever but this John broke fast and he started crying into his large hands.

The first person you experience like this really takes a toll on your psychology. The second, not so much. Then the fifth person and it just becomes a job. Then after thirty it just becomes white noise. Everything they do could have been filled in a questionnaire and I could have check boxes according to how they would act in the next couple hours. You really become dehumanized after so much of these jobs.

This John begins to talk and he tries to regain his sense of dignity by asking for my name. I tell him my name and he tells me his. I don't take any extra precaution to remember his name because really there isn't a point. I've been told that the only two names I would probably remember while doing this job would the first and last. John asks why someone so young like me is doing something like this and I tell him that it's for money. He makes a joke about it and laughs a little too ecstatically and I just smile without changing my eyes.

He tells me his life story and I become good at condensing decades of lives in a short Wikipedia-like  sentence.

A single beautiful moment of death coalesced into one convenient sentence that takes out all sense of beauty.

 And with this he looks at me hoping that I gained some insight from his journey. His long walk through a well-worn path of birth beget into school beget into university beget into career beget into death. And sadly I couldn't lie to him and I simply nodded at whatever the hell he had to say. Eventually his ancient screws that held him up unscrewed after years of wear and his entire body drooped into his chair, a sign of surrender, like the final act of a marionette, discarded and might as well been forgotten.

We both jump slightly at the loud knock behind us and I reach across the table to give the man one last handshake. As I walk away, what he had shared with me was already vaporizing into nothingness. I left and that was it for his story. I get to continue mine.

I stopped by T&T supermarket on the way home and picked up some milk bread that had just the right amount of sweetness in it. I really liked that bread and we needed it to stuff into the Christmas turkey.

Sorta like this but without the chocolate


This has happened so much now that all memories and stories about different lives has become just a single entity of insignificance that I could no longer even feign interest in them. There's a small window of thought that emerges from me after each time I have to spend hours with an unfortunate person's last lap. I wonder if I want to spend my last hour talking to someone who will forget eventually. Is there really a difference between telling a loved one and having it forgotten by them when they too pass away compared to telling a stranger? Or did these people just want to tell anyone because intrinsically we are all selfish and they just want someone to acknowledge that what we did mattered? But eventually I'll just forget and do whatever is next in my life.

So really all I'm hoping that can come out of this is that I don't die during Christmas and when I do die, I don't want it long and drawn out. I think.