I’m here to bitch about girlfriends. They’re an unnecessary hassle, waste of money, waste of tears and I hope she never reads this blog. There exists in this
world a magical time period in-between a breakup and being single once again
that every man experiences. This magical moment is comparable to when a
beautiful stallion gallops down a pristine grass field, the flowers and tall
grass crunching beneath its strong hooves, its majestic mane flowing behind him
like a trail of fire. Then another stallion crashes headfirst in full speed
into it creating a mesh of bloody gore and a visage of cruel animalistic
misery. Not really actually.
Somewhere between stage 3 and Single
There is a strange moment after you break up with
your ex-girlfriend that triggers a reaction in your male brain that makes you
want to scream “I WANT TO TOUCH SOMETHING AGAIN.” It’s an eerie feeling, similar
to when you’re vacationing at another city and CSI: Miami comes on at 8:30
instead of 7:40.
This feeling unearths all the horrible feelings you had about the girl and makes you think, what the hell is wrong with me why did I date her? That is the failsafe switch that lets you move on with your silly life.
I was once with a girl, a devoted devourer of books. She
read only trash though, remembering nothing and leaving out the long paragraphs
because it strained her and made her disinterested in reading. I would bring
her to the library and she would seat herself down and spend a long time
choosing. She would fumble with the book, fondling the spine like a parader’s
baton, turning its pages quickly, and opening it once again at a random page
and peering at it sideways, like some investigative official. Sometimes she notices that she opens the book
upside down and turns it ninety degrees along with her head. This whole process
lasts for more than an hour and not once did I ever find out what it was that
made her decide on the books that she chose… probably the title or artwork of
the cover. Being a judgmental individual, if a person I had just met did that
with me on a trip the library or bookstore, I would promptly call them retarded
and think very low of them. In retrospect I probably didn't care that she did
that with books because she had a fucking amazing butt.
Anyway on to the patch notes
EARTH Patch 1.2
- Feelings of love will now take into account both physical and emotional attraction to the individual before causing chemical reactions to drive your body to autopilot.
- Physical attraction was valued far too high in the love process and is decreased to 50% down from 80%
- Emotional attraction was valued far too low in the love process and is increased to 50% from 20%
Priorities
- Monetary value was uneven and thus unfair for both genders.
- Before the hotfix females were far too concerned about monetary status of the males
- Before the hotfix males were not as concerned about monetary status of the females
- Monetary status for love is now taken away and is no longer necessary in order to have a good relationship.
- Common sense and love did not seem to be compatible in the early stages of love and common sense was being overridden by the after-effect of love, which is lust. This has been fixed and both genders will now think with their proper head when dealing with decisions regarding love and relationships
- Both females and males will no longer have the urge to blame themselves for relationships that have failed and will both agree that it was a mutual effort or lack thereof that caused it.
- We will still not put restrictions to same gender relationships even through the complaints we have had about it, just suck it up people, love is not selfish.
User Interface
- Males
- Random erections no longer occur. Added causes are; light breezes, eating food too fast, eating food too slow, reading a really good book, cutting into a hard piece of cardboard, smelling newly laundered clothing, being accidentally touched by the grocer when she/he hands you change, new car smell, new house smell, new book smell, new smells, hearing the crackles from a campfire, hearing ghost stories, when your significant other is crying, when your significant other isn’t crying, when you’re nervous, when you’re tense, chewing excessively, making eye contact, high-fives, low-fives, wearing shorts to the gym, wearing shorts to work, wearing shorts to class, wearing shorts, wearing socks with sandals, sneezing, hiccups, watching tv with family, watching tv with friends, when you can taste the bubbles, bench pressing, cutting wood, listening to Queen, laughing profusely, crying profusely, biking, jump rope, driving, and eating bananas.
- Females
- Random nipple erections no longer occur. The only causes are now the temperature and state of arousal.
TL;DR: Bitches ain't shit