Gemstones are pretty friggin' awesome. So many colours, so many swirls. Different transparencies, different designs. Different shapes, different sizes.
Rocks in general are awesome.
You have rough ones - untouched by the flowing currents of water - the smooth ones that are brushed by these waves - shiny ones that have been polished by a curious adventurer - dusty ones that have been forgotten by old adventurers - and so on.
Rocks hold so many secrets, esp amber - containing DNA
Rocks are the foundation for so many buildings and natural structures
Rocks can be used as tools, channel stones, or simply decorations.
who needs a title
That feel when the fear sinks in.
the fear of losing someone you hold so dear.
That person you've given everything to.
That person you care so much for.
That person that fills your thoughts and the void that you had in your heart.
That fear of losing the only thing that's really keeping you alive - that showed the light of the abyss around you. The only one that could make you laugh when no one else could. The only star in the void.
Then the pain appears. Tears fall as leaves crumple to the ground in autumn... leaving the tree bare... leaving the soul bare and alone.
Fear and pain of losing someone.
But then you remember...
The joy that person brought. The laughter you shared.
the fear of losing someone you hold so dear.
That person you've given everything to.
That person you care so much for.
That person that fills your thoughts and the void that you had in your heart.
That fear of losing the only thing that's really keeping you alive - that showed the light of the abyss around you. The only one that could make you laugh when no one else could. The only star in the void.
Then the pain appears. Tears fall as leaves crumple to the ground in autumn... leaving the tree bare... leaving the soul bare and alone.
Fear and pain of losing someone.
But then you remember...
The joy that person brought. The laughter you shared.
Omnipotence
Omnipotence
A searing jet of
flame spewed to my left. I could feel
the intense heat and smelled a deathly rotting stench. Not able to register what those auburn
coloured creatures were, I continued running while trying to put the picture
together. Parts of them glowed as if
fire existed inside their bodies, but the glow was a ghastly green with strands
of black drifting about. Quickly
glancing back, I saw long sharp claws penetrating the concrete and creating
sparks as they scraped the debris around them.
Suddenly, a bright light blinded my view and my body instinctively
reacted, seeking cover before I grasped what was happening. ‘Too late,’ I thought, as I felt a tingling
sensation creeping over my entire body.
Silence enveloped me. Still
conscious, I saw myself somehow as if I were looking into a mirror, except all
was obsidian black except for my pale white figure. Coarse black hair spiked in every direction,
matching onyx eyes stared out from underneath, and before I saw the rest of my
body the image dissipated into the darkness.
Head throbbing, vision returning, I attempted to move when a terrible
chill paralyzed me. I slowly looked at my arms, then my body, and ultimate my
feet. ‘No… it can’t be…’ I thought in horror. I have become one of them.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
screamed a man near me as he discovered his transformation.
“Klarsha mic
mahana detara mas” whispered a voice I could not recognize until I realized the
sound came from me. I began losing
control of my body as this entity took over and a surge of power leaped through
me. I understood the creature’s language
and purpose, felt the strength and astounding endurance of this new body… and liked it. Then images of my childhood flashed by; the
beatings, the yelling, the arguing… and I felt at home with this new
entity. I had a family now, these
creatures saw me as their new found leader somehow, and whether my internal
anger fueled and inspired them I have no clue. Determined to take this opportunity to create
a new start, I focused on all the misfortunate events of my life to intensify
my anger. Feeling the monster’s fear and
disbelief, I struggled harder, eager to gain its knowledge and abilities and eventually
managed to overwhelm the other into submission. I absorbed the creature’s wisdom and finished
my transformation. Finally able to see,
I noticed the others were watching, watching with those glowing green eyes with
a newfound respect. Apparently I was
worthy to be their new leader; the previous one had led them into war with
another clan and broke a thousand year old alliance. Our faction, the Sha’rak, had endeavoured to
reform order but was overpowered by the other clan. They fled their homes and
ended up here… in New York of all places.
I observed our surroundings; the formerly
beautiful and bright park was now charred and buildings in ruins. As I turned my attention back to the horde, a
low humming began, vibrating throughout my body. I was
mutating again, this time, thankfully, with less toil. I was their leader, and therefore had to be more
resilient, nimble, and charismatic… if that was even possible. My skin thickened to a plate of armor, enormous
razor sharp wings sprouted from my back, and glowing eloquent patterns revealed
themselves, much more elegant and ornate than the minions waiting before me. Delighted at my impeccable physical form, I
let out a surge of green blaze. The
Sha’rak turned their head upwards and let out a hopeful cry in return. Flexing my muscles, I led the Sha’rak towards
the abyss from where they appeared and descended into the comfort of the warm
earth. The luminescence from our emerald
eyes lit the way as we headed to confront the former leader and restore
alliance Mak’nah.
What a strange life
It never ceases to amaze me just how life has decided to take the wheel with my life recently. For those who don't believe in fate, you're clearly missing out.
Some may call me lucky but I create my own luck at times and when I do it's mostly bad luck. People only seem to notice achievements but they fail to realize that similar to tetris, mistakes pile up and achievements will disappear but will give you a sense of pride that is akin to collecting points.
Nevertheless I built up a collection of bad blocks over the past couple years and maybe that one line block that I've been waiting for has finally decided to show its face for me.
It's a strange feeling writing about something other than a deep sadness or facetious rant but this is something that I've been putting off because recently I could not seem to form any coherent thought or blurb about something as complex as love.
Being a person who requires time to process and plan things out, I felt that my surge of impulsiveness required a much longer time to regurgitate into some words. So here it is, a sense of nothingness that I hope will become something more for the ones who wish to understand my scribbling.
I've been breaking a lot of rules and comfort zones and though everyone seems to frown upon my decisions, I feel - No - I know that the decisions I've made have been fruitful and positive.
People say not to love too fast because you leave yourself vulnerable.
People say not to test the waters with both feet.
People say not to rely on others for happiness.
People say that happiness comes from within.
People say that in order to be happy with someone, you must first be happy with yourself.
And these people are not wrong. These people are those who have molded themselves with the same fire that I seek. Experiences that they have trudged through and the hurt they have felt have given them every right to preach and warn.
But maybe I don't fear what they fear.
Maybe I seek something different and maybe I want to be different. I am a different person than most and that's something that I've grown to accept.
Maybe I've found someone that I feel deserves what I can provide and more.
Maybe I've found someone who will hold my hand as we jump into these waters together.
Maybe I've found someone who gives me a strange warmth that makes me feel as though happiness is something that is both physical and mental.
Maybe I've found someone who needs me as much as I need them.
Maybe I've found someone that is broken like me and we can fix each other with one step at a time.
And maybe I've found someone who keeps me up at night and makes me unable to sleep because reality is finally better than my dreams.
I was never the kind of person to follow rules anyway.
Some may call me lucky but I create my own luck at times and when I do it's mostly bad luck. People only seem to notice achievements but they fail to realize that similar to tetris, mistakes pile up and achievements will disappear but will give you a sense of pride that is akin to collecting points.
Nevertheless I built up a collection of bad blocks over the past couple years and maybe that one line block that I've been waiting for has finally decided to show its face for me.
It's a strange feeling writing about something other than a deep sadness or facetious rant but this is something that I've been putting off because recently I could not seem to form any coherent thought or blurb about something as complex as love.
Being a person who requires time to process and plan things out, I felt that my surge of impulsiveness required a much longer time to regurgitate into some words. So here it is, a sense of nothingness that I hope will become something more for the ones who wish to understand my scribbling.
I've been breaking a lot of rules and comfort zones and though everyone seems to frown upon my decisions, I feel - No - I know that the decisions I've made have been fruitful and positive.
People say not to love too fast because you leave yourself vulnerable.
People say not to test the waters with both feet.
People say not to rely on others for happiness.
People say that happiness comes from within.
People say that in order to be happy with someone, you must first be happy with yourself.
And these people are not wrong. These people are those who have molded themselves with the same fire that I seek. Experiences that they have trudged through and the hurt they have felt have given them every right to preach and warn.
But maybe I don't fear what they fear.
Maybe I seek something different and maybe I want to be different. I am a different person than most and that's something that I've grown to accept.
Maybe I've found someone that I feel deserves what I can provide and more.
Maybe I've found someone who will hold my hand as we jump into these waters together.
Maybe I've found someone who gives me a strange warmth that makes me feel as though happiness is something that is both physical and mental.
Maybe I've found someone who needs me as much as I need them.
Maybe I've found someone that is broken like me and we can fix each other with one step at a time.
And maybe I've found someone who keeps me up at night and makes me unable to sleep because reality is finally better than my dreams.
I was never the kind of person to follow rules anyway.
Music - mostly metal and house/dubstep
Metal
Walk With Me In Hell - Lamb of God
115 - Treyarch Sound, Brian Tuey...
Abigail - Motionless In White
Alerion - Asking Alexandria
Apologies Are For The Weak - Miss May I
Before I Forget - Slipknot
Concrete Jungle - Black Label Society
Creatures - Motionless In White
Dragging Dead Bodies.. - Escape the Fate
Ember - Zao
Masses of a Dying Breed - Miss May I
Mr. Torture - Helloween
Dubstep/House
Tootie Roll - Chronic Crew
Embers (original mix) - Feed me & Lindsay
Spaceman (original) - Hardwell
Energy Drink - Virtual Riot
Relocation - Feed Me
The Island Part I - Pendulum
The Island Part II
Trapdoor (original mix) - Feed Me
Walk With Me In Hell - Lamb of God
115 - Treyarch Sound, Brian Tuey...
Abigail - Motionless In White
Alerion - Asking Alexandria
Apologies Are For The Weak - Miss May I
Before I Forget - Slipknot
Concrete Jungle - Black Label Society
Creatures - Motionless In White
Dragging Dead Bodies.. - Escape the Fate
Ember - Zao
Masses of a Dying Breed - Miss May I
Mr. Torture - Helloween
Dubstep/House
Tootie Roll - Chronic Crew
Embers (original mix) - Feed me & Lindsay
Spaceman (original) - Hardwell
Energy Drink - Virtual Riot
Relocation - Feed Me
The Island Part I - Pendulum
The Island Part II
Trapdoor (original mix) - Feed Me
EVERYBODY CRAB NOW
EVERYBODY CRAB NOW
DOO DOO DOODOO DOO DOO
*rap mode engaged*
GET DOWN ON ALL FOURS
CRAWL AROUND LIKE ROAR
PINCH THE AIR LIKE YOU GOT CLAWS
CUZ FUCK THE POPO AND ALL LAWS
EVERYBODY CRAB NOW
DOO DOO DOODOO DOO DOO
OH GOD WHY??
this is the stupidest shit ever.
continue wid ur life pls.
DOO DOO DOODOO DOO DOO
*rap mode engaged*
GET DOWN ON ALL FOURS
CRAWL AROUND LIKE ROAR
PINCH THE AIR LIKE YOU GOT CLAWS
CUZ FUCK THE POPO AND ALL LAWS
EVERYBODY CRAB NOW
DOO DOO DOODOO DOO DOO
OH GOD WHY??
this is the stupidest shit ever.
continue wid ur life pls.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
Strawberries and Nutella
Crêpes
Poutine
Nachos
Chips
Beef
Chicken strips
Pizza
Popcorn
Pretzels (bread)
more bread.
more bread.
Cheese
Pasta
Chili flakes. does this count?
Strawberry milkshakes
Iced Tea
Sprite... (+ juice / ice cream)
Bubbletea
Snapple
The Dead
The dead need no fancy materials
The dead need no embellished robes
The dead need nothing other than your memory to live on
They will live on until your memory fades
They will live on until the story ends
But it will never end, and those worth remembering are never forgotten.
The dead do not need flowers, do not need huge empty halls, do not need well made coffins.
We hold them with us in our memory, in our soul. And through that they live with us.
Cherish the present, don't dwell on the past. Don't worry too much about the future. You'll miss an opportunity in front of you if you blind yourself to times past and future.
RIP loved ones.
The dead need no embellished robes
The dead need nothing other than your memory to live on
They will live on until your memory fades
They will live on until the story ends
But it will never end, and those worth remembering are never forgotten.
The dead do not need flowers, do not need huge empty halls, do not need well made coffins.
We hold them with us in our memory, in our soul. And through that they live with us.
Cherish the present, don't dwell on the past. Don't worry too much about the future. You'll miss an opportunity in front of you if you blind yourself to times past and future.
RIP loved ones.
untitled
Visions past
Darkness grows
Light everlasting
All shudders
Pain seeps
Tears drip
Dreams fade
Things end
Flowers bloom
Clouds part
Wind blows
All brightens
You discover love when you discover pain
You discover pain when you discover love
You discover misery when you discover happiness
You discover happiness when you discover misery
...
When you love someone so much. You want them so happy. But you also want to be happy. What are you willing to sacrifice?
What pain are you willing to endure?
For the sake of their joy...
Darkness grows
Light everlasting
All shudders
Pain seeps
Tears drip
Dreams fade
Things end
Flowers bloom
Clouds part
Wind blows
All brightens
You discover love when you discover pain
You discover pain when you discover love
You discover misery when you discover happiness
You discover happiness when you discover misery
...
When you love someone so much. You want them so happy. But you also want to be happy. What are you willing to sacrifice?
What pain are you willing to endure?
For the sake of their joy...
The Other World Part 1
Darkness fell. Forests burned with an eerie orange tinge. A lone entity stood among the chaos. Knowledge is its food, its life source, so it watched everything despite a little fearful. Very deep inside the entity glowed a faint blue light - the heart of the entity... no, the very essence and soul. The soul thrives on knowledge, but more so on love, compassion, and kindness. Purple swirls guard the soul, constantly twirling about, wary of threats. The entity itself is a sapphire blue shadow, tinged with black from the Darkness. It didn't mind though, the blackness also serves as a camouflage with the coming abyss.
Smoke crawls forth, blanketing what's left of the once lively world. Embers shine through every now and then, glimmering like how stars once lit up the sky. Small flecks of light peek from a crack within the Earth. A curious spark, the colour of an emerald, floats through the air. Some of the orange timber singes the green spark, causing it to darken in pain. The spark sinks towards the ground, momentarily lost and blinded. Darkness seeps in, mixing some of its black with the beautiful green. A bright light erupts from a nearby flame, forcing the Darkness away. It sheds some of its luminescence onto the spark. From the distance, the entity noticed the explosion, and slowly draws towards it. It moves so slowly, as if burdened by some great weight. Somehow, despite being sluggish, the entity still carried grace. The spark now evolved, had an orange tinge among its exquisite green shine, along with bits of black left over from Darkness. It was quite a marvelous sight; the black tinge only served to bring out the colours of the spark.
Smoke crawls forth, blanketing what's left of the once lively world. Embers shine through every now and then, glimmering like how stars once lit up the sky. Small flecks of light peek from a crack within the Earth. A curious spark, the colour of an emerald, floats through the air. Some of the orange timber singes the green spark, causing it to darken in pain. The spark sinks towards the ground, momentarily lost and blinded. Darkness seeps in, mixing some of its black with the beautiful green. A bright light erupts from a nearby flame, forcing the Darkness away. It sheds some of its luminescence onto the spark. From the distance, the entity noticed the explosion, and slowly draws towards it. It moves so slowly, as if burdened by some great weight. Somehow, despite being sluggish, the entity still carried grace. The spark now evolved, had an orange tinge among its exquisite green shine, along with bits of black left over from Darkness. It was quite a marvelous sight; the black tinge only served to bring out the colours of the spark.
* * *
The entity finally reached the site of the explosion, at first seeing nothing but destruction. Then it noticed the emerald spark. How curious. Thin orange strands of light danced about it. Spots of black mixed with the stunning green shine. It reminded the entity of itself. A small ember lands on the entity. One of the purple strands quickly removes it. The entity feels nothing, accustomed to pain and having experienced worse; it could not be bothered by such insignificance. The entity walks away, but not before inviting the green spark to follow. Both hesitant and still wary of each other, they continue their journey together. A small pink lotus that survived in this abyss blossomed among the wreckage. The entity notices, its soul glowing a bit brighter as it collects the flower and trudges on.
* * *
Darkness. The light from the green spark was no longer there to guide the entity; the spark had left. Entity moved on. Each step taking more effort than the last. Pain creeped in, the blackness taking over the deep sapphire. Times like these is why the entity does not dare to shine like the orange embers of the earth, like the bright green spark. The soul of the entity, so well hidden from the Darkness but always aware of the menace, was so deeply buried in the entity for safety. The soul, filled with so much love and kindness, despite the cruelty it has suffered, reached out searching for the green spark.
Quotes
The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable - they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed. - Ernest Hemingway
Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
Laozi
There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the Force.
Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned - XMEN
Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
Laozi
There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.There is no death, there is the Force.
Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned - XMEN
Creating to share
Let the bass beat your heart
Let the rhythm lead your steps
Let the music flow through...
And guide you to the end
~ V
Hope
There's this place called Hope about 130 kilometers from where I live. I always see the name in the highway signs when I drive back home from a night out. It would say something like, Hope - 120 kilometers.
Back before I had a car I still saw those signs when I was being driven or when I walked by the highway. It was a strange sign to me and although I knew that the place was probably some crappy little city before heading into the wilderness and passing into Alberta, I still felt like it was some magical place that everyone needs to visit one day.
It's something I never shared with anyone, seeing the signs for Hope and seeing it so far away. It was such a sad thought that never failed to fuck my mood up and it always confused me as to why.
I promised myself that one day I would see it and I would be glad that Hope was nothing but a small city in a small area in this small world. But I never end up reaching it, no matter how much I try to go there.
There's always an excuse; it's too hard to get there, It's too rainy, I don't have enough money. But really there's no reason for me to go there.
Hope is just so far away from me.
Back before I had a car I still saw those signs when I was being driven or when I walked by the highway. It was a strange sign to me and although I knew that the place was probably some crappy little city before heading into the wilderness and passing into Alberta, I still felt like it was some magical place that everyone needs to visit one day.
It's something I never shared with anyone, seeing the signs for Hope and seeing it so far away. It was such a sad thought that never failed to fuck my mood up and it always confused me as to why.
I promised myself that one day I would see it and I would be glad that Hope was nothing but a small city in a small area in this small world. But I never end up reaching it, no matter how much I try to go there.
There's always an excuse; it's too hard to get there, It's too rainy, I don't have enough money. But really there's no reason for me to go there.
Hope is just so far away from me.
To hell and not back
I'm no stranger to the darker side of life, most people know that, but for some strange reason I decided to test my limits during late January and all of February.
To begin with, I was never truly addicted to anything before. I would dip a toe in some cold debauchery but I would never truly submerge myself into it. It's not that I was scared, or that I knew better, it's just that I could not afford being addicted (hehehe).
But I learned the hard way that addiction can sneak up to you and you never really know when you enter it. You only learn you're addicted when you're already half way through and you suddenly decide to assess your situation. Those who are truly strong will identify this sooner than others, but I wasn't one of those people.
I was already walking a crooked path when it began. An old friend of mine decided to come back from University and she was not exactly the kind of person you were eager to let your parents meet. She was the kind of person that you know 100% would live a much more diverse and interesting life than most people you would meet. She knew people, she knew places, she knew things, and most importantly, she did a lot of drugs.
There are those who will have some inkling of a person in the back of their mind when they're with them. Maybe they are silently judging them and they are behaving as they are because they don't exactly respect them. Maybe I'm too naive but I prefer to think of people and their decisions as their own way to make a sculpture. They start off with the armature, making sure they have a good foundation by going to schooling or learning different trades. Then they make mistakes and unknowingly they're scumbling the sharper curves of their sculpture. Then there are those that try to fix those mistakes by going over it again or by completely taking off that part of the sculpture. But then there are those that continue mould themselves from their mistakes. I respect the people who embrace their mistakes more and learn from them instead of trying to hide them and be absolutely ashamed about them.
That's why I liked this old friend of mine, Lisa. I knew she made mistakes in her life, and I knew she regretted a lot of the things she did, but she continued doing the things she loved and letting it instead define her character instead of trying to fit in some mould that society has already preset for her.
THIS IS THE POINT WHERE I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT THE DRUGS ARE AFFECTING ME HARD.
Lisa and I couldn't sleep properly. We'd wake up 20 minutes into our sleep or something similar and then we couldn't sleep again. We were up for five days before I passed out for 16 hours. I'm not even sure that I was asleep for all 16 hours. I fell asleep hugging her as she played pocket trains on her iPhone and I woke up in a Tim Hortons 40 minutes away. I was panicked but I felt better as I saw Lisa come out of the bathroom. I never felt a fear as scary as waking up in a fast food restaurant at 2pm and not seeing anyone I know.
To begin with, I was never truly addicted to anything before. I would dip a toe in some cold debauchery but I would never truly submerge myself into it. It's not that I was scared, or that I knew better, it's just that I could not afford being addicted (hehehe).
But I learned the hard way that addiction can sneak up to you and you never really know when you enter it. You only learn you're addicted when you're already half way through and you suddenly decide to assess your situation. Those who are truly strong will identify this sooner than others, but I wasn't one of those people.
 |
| Pills were my white whale. |
I was already walking a crooked path when it began. An old friend of mine decided to come back from University and she was not exactly the kind of person you were eager to let your parents meet. She was the kind of person that you know 100% would live a much more diverse and interesting life than most people you would meet. She knew people, she knew places, she knew things, and most importantly, she did a lot of drugs.
There are those who will have some inkling of a person in the back of their mind when they're with them. Maybe they are silently judging them and they are behaving as they are because they don't exactly respect them. Maybe I'm too naive but I prefer to think of people and their decisions as their own way to make a sculpture. They start off with the armature, making sure they have a good foundation by going to schooling or learning different trades. Then they make mistakes and unknowingly they're scumbling the sharper curves of their sculpture. Then there are those that try to fix those mistakes by going over it again or by completely taking off that part of the sculpture. But then there are those that continue mould themselves from their mistakes. I respect the people who embrace their mistakes more and learn from them instead of trying to hide them and be absolutely ashamed about them.
That's why I liked this old friend of mine, Lisa. I knew she made mistakes in her life, and I knew she regretted a lot of the things she did, but she continued doing the things she loved and letting it instead define her character instead of trying to fit in some mould that society has already preset for her.
 |
My own personal belief is that mind altering substances and the sort are an experience akin to having sex when it comes to personal experiences. It's just something you have to try at least once to know if you like it or not. People who have lived rich full lives without drugs are plenty, but so are people who have lived rich full lives without sex. It's a different kind of wine that is frowned upon by the general public, but is recommended if you decide to enjoy life in a different perspective.
But like all things, moderation is most important.
I don't blame Lisa, I blame myself. She was just a conduit for my own terrible deeds.
First Night:
I had just found out that Lisa had returned two days before and she was already trying to contact me. I was already spending most of the time doing weed with a certain friend of mine during the night and that was tame in my standards. She had invited me to go raving with her and her friends during the weekend and though I felt that I shouldn't I went with them anyway.
The first night was Benzos, MDMA, Weed, and alcohol
Second Night:
It was a day after raving. I had hooked up with one of Lisa's friends and we went together to a dorm party an hour away from where I lived. I didn't drive there, we instead took public transit. Also we were on weed.
We met up with Lisa at the party and she gave me a cocktail of multi-coloured pills that I happily downed with some beer. Yes yes yes, the ride never ends.
It was during this time, a gathering of terrible people doing terrible things under a large roof, that Lisa decided to remind me that we used to date. It was a short things, only 3 months but I broke it off because she was far too wild for me. But that was 3 years ago.
Third Night:
This was the morning after the dorm party. Most of the night was heavy drinking and heavy smoking but I still ended up in a bed somewhere, but I was with Lisa.
We walked together to a Subway and she decided to confront me with ideas of getting back together and shit that no-one should ever bring up during a hangover and a drug low.
Eventually we went to a park and we did some weed and some more Benzos. Yay.
I went home at late afternoon and looked for a job. Then when it hit 2am I drove to my friends place and we smoked more weed while we talked about music.
Fourth Night:
Lisa was talking to me now as if we were dating again. It was a weird thing she did because she didn't want me flirting or playing around with her friends. I went with it because she was the one giving me free stuff - yes I am a man-whore.
Three days after the party, Lisa comes over to my place and asks if I can drive her somewhere. I said that I was too fucked up on weed to drive so I gave her my keys so she could do her groceries and go shopping. Then my best friend tells me that he forgot his wallet in my car.
I ended up telling Lisa to hurry the fuck up and bring the car back or drive to my friends place to drop off the wallet.
She ended up driving to my friends place and waiting there 30 minutes because we couldn't get a hold of my friend.
For some goddamn reason I got really angry and found out where my best friend was. He was with his other friends playing card games. So I drove there, threw his wallet at him and yelled at him in front of all his friends.
THIS IS THE POINT WHERE I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT THE DRUGS ARE AFFECTING ME HARD.
 |
| I am pretty sure that I did this position at least five times during this time |
Fifth Night:
I had lost my best friend because I yelled at him and gave him shit for no real reason. I felt like absolute shit and Lisa was there to console me. It was during this time that a giant snowstorm decided to grace us with its presence and shit graciously all over our perfectly good roads.
I had lost my best friend because I yelled at him and gave him shit for no real reason. I felt like absolute shit and Lisa was there to console me. It was during this time that a giant snowstorm decided to grace us with its presence and shit graciously all over our perfectly good roads.
I decided I wanted to walk in the snow so Lisa and I dressed up in snow-hiking gear and walked 11 miles in the storm. We packed hard-boiled eggs, lots of water, two phones, half an ounce of weed, and a half filled bottle of pills.
Oh god it was the most beautiful walk ever. I'm not even going to try to describe it. Maybe in 10 years when I can write better. But writing it now would only sully the beauty of it all.
Sixth Night:
I decided to sleep more at Lisa's place now. We were waking up together and smoking and it gave me a reason to keep going. We were stuck indoors for the next two days because of the intense snow but we made it work. As the snow slowed down we decided to celebrate by going out and partying in clubs. I met up with Lisa's friends again and my old friend MDMA.
I decided to sleep more at Lisa's place now. We were waking up together and smoking and it gave me a reason to keep going. We were stuck indoors for the next two days because of the intense snow but we made it work. As the snow slowed down we decided to celebrate by going out and partying in clubs. I met up with Lisa's friends again and my old friend MDMA.
Lisa and I couldn't sleep properly. We'd wake up 20 minutes into our sleep or something similar and then we couldn't sleep again. We were up for five days before I passed out for 16 hours. I'm not even sure that I was asleep for all 16 hours. I fell asleep hugging her as she played pocket trains on her iPhone and I woke up in a Tim Hortons 40 minutes away. I was panicked but I felt better as I saw Lisa come out of the bathroom. I never felt a fear as scary as waking up in a fast food restaurant at 2pm and not seeing anyone I know.
This was when I figured out I was addicted.
Where's the happy ending?
Honestly I don't know yet if there is a happy ending to this all. I just decided to write this down in hopes that it might help me decide what to do now. I don't think it has HAHA.
 |
| That's what my conscience is telling me right now. My conscience is a Chansey. |
Help Wanted
Euphony
Definition:
The literary device “euphony” refers to the use of phrases and words that are noted for possessing an extensive degree of notable loveliness or melody in the sound they create.
Example:
It has been said that the phrase “cellar door” is reportedly the most pleasant sounding phrase in the English language.
http://literary-devices.com/content/euphony
Cellar door? Bull shit. That is straight bull shit because:
1. Peppermint Butler
http://th02.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/304/e/a/peppermint_butler_by_fai_is_sexy-d5jii59.png
Do you hear the melody in that? That is a great rhythm. Peppermint Butler. Pep-per-mint-but-ler. Really spit out the p's. PEP. PER. MAH. INT. BUH. TUH. LER. Melodious.
2. Igloo
Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Although they're not called that anymore, right?
Ig-looooooooo. Put a little stress on the "g", but not so much that you shatter your monocle, you classy fucker. Really work with the "oo" sound. Oooooo.
Do you feel that? Follow that feeling.
3. Arcade
http://www.dezignwithaz.com/images/arcade-stencils.png
The hard "c" sound proceeding the rough "ar" sound is just so... Ar. Cade. CAde. CAde. Cah. Ade. Cade.
4. Serendipity
http://www.innovationinpractice.com/.a/6a00e54ef4f3768834013482809a41970c-320wi
Dip dip dip. Dipity dipity dip.
So Cellar Door? Go fuck yourself.
Melody is everywhere.
Definition:
The literary device “euphony” refers to the use of phrases and words that are noted for possessing an extensive degree of notable loveliness or melody in the sound they create.
Example:
It has been said that the phrase “cellar door” is reportedly the most pleasant sounding phrase in the English language.
http://literary-devices.com/content/euphony
Cellar door? Bull shit. That is straight bull shit because:
1. Peppermint Butler
 |
| http://th02.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/304/e/a/peppermint_butler_by_fai_is_sexy-d5jii59.png |
Do you hear the melody in that? That is a great rhythm. Peppermint Butler. Pep-per-mint-but-ler. Really spit out the p's. PEP. PER. MAH. INT. BUH. TUH. LER. Melodious.
2. Igloo
 |
| Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Although they're not called that anymore, right? |
Ig-looooooooo. Put a little stress on the "g", but not so much that you shatter your monocle, you classy fucker. Really work with the "oo" sound. Oooooo.
Do you feel that? Follow that feeling.
3. Arcade
|
| http://www.dezignwithaz.com/images/arcade-stencils.png |
The hard "c" sound proceeding the rough "ar" sound is just so... Ar. Cade. CAde. CAde. Cah. Ade. Cade.
4. Serendipity
|
| http://www.innovationinpractice.com/.a/6a00e54ef4f3768834013482809a41970c-320wi |
Dip dip dip. Dipity dipity dip.
So Cellar Door? Go fuck yourself.
Melody is everywhere.
gym feels
this one ain't so serious folks, i promise :)
Due to the gigantic influx of gym-goers fulfilling their resolution it's been a bit cramped in the gym I go to usually. My usual gym is a very fitting dumbbell shaped room with the free weights and machines being farthest from the entrance and the yoga mats and straps for gimmicky fitness related crap closest. The treadmills, non-moving bikes and stair-things are in the middle.
January 2 comes along and I drive to the gym as per usual - going the long way trying to avoid cops and having to turn into incoming traffic because I fear for my life frequently. But as I pull into the parking lot my face contorts into confusion and I reach for the volume control of my stereo to turn down Ice Cube and his opinions on west coast and east coast relations. Last year I began going to the gym religiously after mid April and I didn't get to experience the new years rush. So when I finally found a parking spot behind the ice rink arena a block away, I didn't realize just how many people would be streaming in and taking all the parking. I shrugged and dismissed the mild inconvenience, I was going to the gym anyway, what was the problem with walking a couple more steps to the doors? But obviously it gets worse.
My gym is located in the left wing of a giant recreational center. This meant that usually when I ran on the treadmills I could watch people swim and play around in the big wave pool right in front of my gym, only a thick glass wall separating the two. This also meant that after my workout I usually went into the hot tub or sauna and stared at the wall until I was satisfied. But as I entered the building I could already hear how crowded it was in the gym floor, especially for 5 in the morning after New Years day. I'd like to think it was because the receptionist saw my confused look, or maybe it was because she too was feeling overwhelmed, but she nodded at me as per usual and instead of casually dismissing me, she instead started telling me at how incredibly rude the new people were. I nodded trying so very hard to feign interest but really all I wanted was to start my workout because it was back day and that meant deadlifting and deadlifting is the highlight of my day.
A minute of small talk turned to five and I knew it would turn into ten if I didn't eject myself out of there. I made sure that the receptionist noticed my sudden change of direction when I looked for the time and shrugged when I, "suddenly realized that I'm kind of in a hurry and should get this thing started."
Opening the door to the gym was an experience all in itself. The doors were airtight and slightly soundproof so all I could hear from the lobby while I chatted with the nice receptionist was the low rumble of machines being used and the low mumble of many people talking and grunting. But when I opened them the sounds amplified themselves by at least 10x. Talk of what body they were aiming for, what protein shakes they had bought, what brand shoes they thought were best, and various other useless crap mishmashed into a cacophony of high pitched squealing that for some reason annoyed the shit out of me.
Don't get me wrong though, I totally condone verbal interactions between two people, I just fucking hate it when everyone tries so very hard to talk over the noise and it ends up being a room filled with people screaming at each other.
"Whatever, I'll just run on the treadmill and listen to some nice music to get into my zone before I start lifting some heavy-ass weight."
But that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Our gym had a total of 15 treadmills and I had never seen them so full that there's a lineup to run on them. There were two employees of the rec center carefully watching and timing people on the treadmill and instructing them to get off after ten minutes. That's how crowded it was.
I usually don't write about fatties but there were two that laid down on the yoga area and took up all 8 of the mats. It was almost artistic how they laid down so majestically that they needed every single mat to cushion their already cushioned limbs. It bothered me how people didn't tell them off only because they were probably pushing four-hundo and it would be mean if anyone got in their way to bettering their lifestyle. What was really amazing though were the regular yoga girls and guys that somehow managed to achieve meditative state pushed into the corner of the room with no mats of their own. If you have never seen ten or so grown adults in lotus positions back to back and inches from each other, I recommend it. Those people who can meditate in that environment probably deserve some inner nirvana.
Oh god the free weights.
It was disastrous.
It took me 10 minutes to get the six plates I needed to start deadlifting. It was strange how some of the kids there held onto their plates and how hurt they looked when you asked if you could use it. If it wasn't for the regulars I probably would have taken twice as long to hunt down more plates. I don't even know how I got my hands on an olympic bar, considering there were only two in the gym.
I did my first set of five and for some strange reason strangers around me took that as a signal to start giving me advice. I know how daunting the gym can be for first-timers and I understand the value of advice and wisdom given to me by those who have achieved or are close to achieving their goals. Hell, if it wasn't for some random guy who suggested I try deadlifting and squatting, I wouldn't be enjoying the gym as much. But if it's some 15 year old and his friends hanging out at the gym during Winter Vacation with 8 inch arms and curling 25's with shite form, I start to have a problem with it.
According to them a deadlift rep doesn't count if you touch the floor with the plates when you bring it down. According to them and other's around them that deadlifting is dangerous and if I go any heavier than what I am doing right now I will break my back.
I learned a cool ability that day. The ability to stare at someone and hear them, but not actually listen to them.
If I sound smug or condescending towards these people, then fuck you. Motivation begins and ends from within and if these people's motivation begins at January then cool, I don't give a fuck. But when their motivation ends at February and I can go back to quick hour long workouts then I will be the last person to cry for them. If it doesn't end at February and instead keeps going, then cool.
It pains me to know that most of the people in the gym right now won't know the joy of hitting a big milestone in an almost empty gym while those around you clap.
Not really doe, fucking hell I hope February comes quick.
Due to the gigantic influx of gym-goers fulfilling their resolution it's been a bit cramped in the gym I go to usually. My usual gym is a very fitting dumbbell shaped room with the free weights and machines being farthest from the entrance and the yoga mats and straps for gimmicky fitness related crap closest. The treadmills, non-moving bikes and stair-things are in the middle.
 |
| Ignore the lines inside the rectangles, I was just lazy and didn't edit them out |
January 2 comes along and I drive to the gym as per usual - going the long way trying to avoid cops and having to turn into incoming traffic because I fear for my life frequently. But as I pull into the parking lot my face contorts into confusion and I reach for the volume control of my stereo to turn down Ice Cube and his opinions on west coast and east coast relations. Last year I began going to the gym religiously after mid April and I didn't get to experience the new years rush. So when I finally found a parking spot behind the ice rink arena a block away, I didn't realize just how many people would be streaming in and taking all the parking. I shrugged and dismissed the mild inconvenience, I was going to the gym anyway, what was the problem with walking a couple more steps to the doors? But obviously it gets worse.
My gym is located in the left wing of a giant recreational center. This meant that usually when I ran on the treadmills I could watch people swim and play around in the big wave pool right in front of my gym, only a thick glass wall separating the two. This also meant that after my workout I usually went into the hot tub or sauna and stared at the wall until I was satisfied. But as I entered the building I could already hear how crowded it was in the gym floor, especially for 5 in the morning after New Years day. I'd like to think it was because the receptionist saw my confused look, or maybe it was because she too was feeling overwhelmed, but she nodded at me as per usual and instead of casually dismissing me, she instead started telling me at how incredibly rude the new people were. I nodded trying so very hard to feign interest but really all I wanted was to start my workout because it was back day and that meant deadlifting and deadlifting is the highlight of my day.
A minute of small talk turned to five and I knew it would turn into ten if I didn't eject myself out of there. I made sure that the receptionist noticed my sudden change of direction when I looked for the time and shrugged when I, "suddenly realized that I'm kind of in a hurry and should get this thing started."
Opening the door to the gym was an experience all in itself. The doors were airtight and slightly soundproof so all I could hear from the lobby while I chatted with the nice receptionist was the low rumble of machines being used and the low mumble of many people talking and grunting. But when I opened them the sounds amplified themselves by at least 10x. Talk of what body they were aiming for, what protein shakes they had bought, what brand shoes they thought were best, and various other useless crap mishmashed into a cacophony of high pitched squealing that for some reason annoyed the shit out of me.
 |
| "Wow Cindy, I am so fucking hung over right now but I want to get fit and better for 2014!" Yeah we're such partygoers! Let's continue talking while you sit on the only bench press so people can't use it! |
Don't get me wrong though, I totally condone verbal interactions between two people, I just fucking hate it when everyone tries so very hard to talk over the noise and it ends up being a room filled with people screaming at each other.
"Whatever, I'll just run on the treadmill and listen to some nice music to get into my zone before I start lifting some heavy-ass weight."
But that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Our gym had a total of 15 treadmills and I had never seen them so full that there's a lineup to run on them. There were two employees of the rec center carefully watching and timing people on the treadmill and instructing them to get off after ten minutes. That's how crowded it was.
I usually don't write about fatties but there were two that laid down on the yoga area and took up all 8 of the mats. It was almost artistic how they laid down so majestically that they needed every single mat to cushion their already cushioned limbs. It bothered me how people didn't tell them off only because they were probably pushing four-hundo and it would be mean if anyone got in their way to bettering their lifestyle. What was really amazing though were the regular yoga girls and guys that somehow managed to achieve meditative state pushed into the corner of the room with no mats of their own. If you have never seen ten or so grown adults in lotus positions back to back and inches from each other, I recommend it. Those people who can meditate in that environment probably deserve some inner nirvana.
Oh god the free weights.
It was disastrous.
 |
| Have you ever been so pissed that you wrote a poem in your car? I surely haven't. |
It took me 10 minutes to get the six plates I needed to start deadlifting. It was strange how some of the kids there held onto their plates and how hurt they looked when you asked if you could use it. If it wasn't for the regulars I probably would have taken twice as long to hunt down more plates. I don't even know how I got my hands on an olympic bar, considering there were only two in the gym.
I did my first set of five and for some strange reason strangers around me took that as a signal to start giving me advice. I know how daunting the gym can be for first-timers and I understand the value of advice and wisdom given to me by those who have achieved or are close to achieving their goals. Hell, if it wasn't for some random guy who suggested I try deadlifting and squatting, I wouldn't be enjoying the gym as much. But if it's some 15 year old and his friends hanging out at the gym during Winter Vacation with 8 inch arms and curling 25's with shite form, I start to have a problem with it.
According to them a deadlift rep doesn't count if you touch the floor with the plates when you bring it down. According to them and other's around them that deadlifting is dangerous and if I go any heavier than what I am doing right now I will break my back.
I learned a cool ability that day. The ability to stare at someone and hear them, but not actually listen to them.
If I sound smug or condescending towards these people, then fuck you. Motivation begins and ends from within and if these people's motivation begins at January then cool, I don't give a fuck. But when their motivation ends at February and I can go back to quick hour long workouts then I will be the last person to cry for them. If it doesn't end at February and instead keeps going, then cool.
It pains me to know that most of the people in the gym right now won't know the joy of hitting a big milestone in an almost empty gym while those around you clap.
Not really doe, fucking hell I hope February comes quick.
Growing up
It's almost 2014 here in British Columbia and I just noticed that I've only written four blogposts in all of 2013. It doesn't matter much to anyone but myself and the incredibly small handful of people that read brodinary but happiness starts with myself and I want to do things because I want to do them, not because I want others to see that I've done them.
This year was the year of motivation for me. Every year since I've been able to understand and comprehend things, there has been a plethora of nice and comfortable things that have been happening to me annually and without fail. Coming from a family with the emphasis on family, we did most events as a family and sharing it with another as a family. I've always had the big brother or kid idea stamped so deep into this picturesque scene that I was so comfortable and unaware that I was really only one thing. We would go out and celebrate Canada Day or Easter and for the first bit of my life I was a kid, enjoying the things and not really participating in the behind the scenes stuff like placing the eggs or planning the events of the day. Then I grew up and started filling the role of a big brother.
There I would become a big part of the preparation. Since this is my blog, I'm going to act superior to you. Being a big brother is a pretty big deal, I was responsible for three lives that would go out on their own eventually and lead their own beautiful and happy lives and I was responsible for mine. I gave up three years of my life because for some reason I wanted to see how they would grow in their most vulnerable and most impressionable state. Of course that's not the only reason I basically disappeared for three years. Laziness was also a big factor, also self hatred and some depression blah blah blah. Amidst the three years of debauchery and self exploration, I took care of my three siblings and I don't think I'll ever consider those years being wasted.
Feel free to judge me all you want, call me a loser or call me a lazy bum. Just know that it was my choice to be these things. Fuck you because I had the ability to do this and you're just jealous that you can't be lazy for three years watching your siblings grow into amazing living breathing people with hobbies and interests and complicated conflicts.
So I became a big brother and I helped with these things and participated in them equally. That was my first taste of really growing up.
I was a big brother for 9 years, but I really started being one four years ago, when my responsibilities suddenly disappeared and I was faced with a blank canvas and the question, "What do I do now?"
Then four years came and gone and I learned a lot about everything. I had too much time to think and too much time to dwell. I had fights with depression, fights with friends, fights with family, and fights with myself.
But even through all that I still remembered to be a big brother and maybe just maybe I came out of it a better person. Now that my time as just a big brother is ending and I have to start thinking of being an adult, I've found some lull time. I didn't realize that my life was moving on until late this year.
It was around late April of 2012 that I begun growing up. The final and youngest sibling was eager and able to enter school soon and while everyone was preparing him mentally and physically for the big day, I was secretly preparing myself mentally of his transition into independence. Soon he wouldn't need me to watch him the entire day and his own day will consist of adventuring into subjects like math and spelling without me. This was the absolute definition of bittersweet for me. When you take care of someone or someones for a long time you start to wonder if they're relying on you or if you're relying on them.
Then eventually they started becoming their own person. They go to school and meet new people. They begin sharing the things they've learned and they're so very beautiful about it. They beam and radiate a certain warmth that you only feel because they are shining so bright. Then it slows down.
They start having problems and begin to learn that they can solve it themselves or with other people, you're not needed as much anymore.
Then they realize they can share the things that make them happy to people their age, ones who might appreciate it more. I remember many times where they would show me a drawing and the only reason I was so happy about it was because they were so happy about it. Not because it was an amazing work of art or not because it was something that required a lot of commitment but only because they were so proud and happy about it.
I remember waking up at October, cold and miserable, my heater had somehow stopped during the middle of the night and the cold air seeped in slowly through the bottom of the door. I had woken up without opening my eyes but I already knew something was wrong because I was so ridiculously cold. Then I pulled the blankets up to my eyes and relished in all the comfort. It was too cold and too comfy to get out and try to restart the heater so I was just stuck in that little bubble of comfort I had created with my blanket. I laid there comfortable and quiet, letting the silence of suburbia soak in the glowy aftereffect of my dreams. I had lain there for a long time before the sounds of everyone waking up started.
Three months ago I needed to get up and sleep next to my brother just encase he rolled off the bed or if he started coughing. Then I needed to start making breakfast or find the change of diapers or DVD of Blues Clues before he woke up. Then we planned the day together and we would either stay in and watch TV or go out and play in the park.
But instead I just laid there, with nothing I needed to do.
Then I started realizing just how alone I truly was now that they didn't me anymore.
So my resolution, my final resolution for 2013.
Don't forget all the feelings and terrible searching you needed to do to get to where you are now. No matter how shit you start feeling or how bad you want it to all just end, just remember the nice times things you felt and the nice things you will feel. Move on because they are moving on. Everybody is moving on. That isn't too hard is it? Just don't forget those beautiful pockets of happiness and maybe you can feel it again someday. Just that chance of feeling it again is enough to keep you going, and don't argue with me because I know it is.
This year was the year of motivation for me. Every year since I've been able to understand and comprehend things, there has been a plethora of nice and comfortable things that have been happening to me annually and without fail. Coming from a family with the emphasis on family, we did most events as a family and sharing it with another as a family. I've always had the big brother or kid idea stamped so deep into this picturesque scene that I was so comfortable and unaware that I was really only one thing. We would go out and celebrate Canada Day or Easter and for the first bit of my life I was a kid, enjoying the things and not really participating in the behind the scenes stuff like placing the eggs or planning the events of the day. Then I grew up and started filling the role of a big brother.
There I would become a big part of the preparation. Since this is my blog, I'm going to act superior to you. Being a big brother is a pretty big deal, I was responsible for three lives that would go out on their own eventually and lead their own beautiful and happy lives and I was responsible for mine. I gave up three years of my life because for some reason I wanted to see how they would grow in their most vulnerable and most impressionable state. Of course that's not the only reason I basically disappeared for three years. Laziness was also a big factor, also self hatred and some depression blah blah blah. Amidst the three years of debauchery and self exploration, I took care of my three siblings and I don't think I'll ever consider those years being wasted.
Feel free to judge me all you want, call me a loser or call me a lazy bum. Just know that it was my choice to be these things. Fuck you because I had the ability to do this and you're just jealous that you can't be lazy for three years watching your siblings grow into amazing living breathing people with hobbies and interests and complicated conflicts.
So I became a big brother and I helped with these things and participated in them equally. That was my first taste of really growing up.
I was a big brother for 9 years, but I really started being one four years ago, when my responsibilities suddenly disappeared and I was faced with a blank canvas and the question, "What do I do now?"
Then four years came and gone and I learned a lot about everything. I had too much time to think and too much time to dwell. I had fights with depression, fights with friends, fights with family, and fights with myself.
But even through all that I still remembered to be a big brother and maybe just maybe I came out of it a better person. Now that my time as just a big brother is ending and I have to start thinking of being an adult, I've found some lull time. I didn't realize that my life was moving on until late this year.
It was around late April of 2012 that I begun growing up. The final and youngest sibling was eager and able to enter school soon and while everyone was preparing him mentally and physically for the big day, I was secretly preparing myself mentally of his transition into independence. Soon he wouldn't need me to watch him the entire day and his own day will consist of adventuring into subjects like math and spelling without me. This was the absolute definition of bittersweet for me. When you take care of someone or someones for a long time you start to wonder if they're relying on you or if you're relying on them.
Then eventually they started becoming their own person. They go to school and meet new people. They begin sharing the things they've learned and they're so very beautiful about it. They beam and radiate a certain warmth that you only feel because they are shining so bright. Then it slows down.
They start having problems and begin to learn that they can solve it themselves or with other people, you're not needed as much anymore.
Then they realize they can share the things that make them happy to people their age, ones who might appreciate it more. I remember many times where they would show me a drawing and the only reason I was so happy about it was because they were so happy about it. Not because it was an amazing work of art or not because it was something that required a lot of commitment but only because they were so proud and happy about it.
I remember waking up at October, cold and miserable, my heater had somehow stopped during the middle of the night and the cold air seeped in slowly through the bottom of the door. I had woken up without opening my eyes but I already knew something was wrong because I was so ridiculously cold. Then I pulled the blankets up to my eyes and relished in all the comfort. It was too cold and too comfy to get out and try to restart the heater so I was just stuck in that little bubble of comfort I had created with my blanket. I laid there comfortable and quiet, letting the silence of suburbia soak in the glowy aftereffect of my dreams. I had lain there for a long time before the sounds of everyone waking up started.
Three months ago I needed to get up and sleep next to my brother just encase he rolled off the bed or if he started coughing. Then I needed to start making breakfast or find the change of diapers or DVD of Blues Clues before he woke up. Then we planned the day together and we would either stay in and watch TV or go out and play in the park.
But instead I just laid there, with nothing I needed to do.
Then I started realizing just how alone I truly was now that they didn't me anymore.
So my resolution, my final resolution for 2013.
Don't forget all the feelings and terrible searching you needed to do to get to where you are now. No matter how shit you start feeling or how bad you want it to all just end, just remember the nice times things you felt and the nice things you will feel. Move on because they are moving on. Everybody is moving on. That isn't too hard is it? Just don't forget those beautiful pockets of happiness and maybe you can feel it again someday. Just that chance of feeling it again is enough to keep you going, and don't argue with me because I know it is.
Mahjong
I wrote this a while back in a discussion about Asian families and how it was like growing up in North America. The act of "washing" mahjong tiles consists of haphazardly pushing in your own tiles with everyone elses and shuffling them all together. With the tiles being made of bone or hard plastic, this gave a very loud and recognizable clashing. It was a noise that, if heard anywhere, you would instantly assume that it was people enjoying a game of mahjong.
To me the washing of mahjong tiles
somewhere in the house is, even now after so many years, like white
noise. Beyond the drowsiness, it drifts me back to those Friday and
Saturday nights when the parents got together and threw us kids like
shrugged off coats into a pile, upstairs or down in the basement. It
didn't matter. A kid, one usually four years older would act like a
den mother or wedgie dispensing brother for the night: we still
needed to be watched.
Scrabble or Pictionary or Monopoly
already set up before we arrived. Hot Wheels or Lego dumped on the
carpet.
At Paolo's house, Marvin's sister
Lana, 4 years older, was the warden. She decided what activities
would be available, the aforementioned board games, a cartoon tape in
the VCR: Denver the Last Dinosaur or Chipmunks' World Adventure or
some Disney flick.
Sometimes we were bifurcated. Boys in
the living room snapping together their stupid hot wheels tracks
through cities of LEGO. Though there was always a girl or two out of
the bunch who wanted in, for the most part the girls would retreat
into the unknown territory of Gina's room and emerge later subtly
different. More sparkly?
But most times we were together. Under
the hot cone lamp that hung over the dark wooden breakfast table we
wanted to be the racecar or the terrier, or tried to guess somebody’s
scribble of a mutant cactus, or stole someone else's letter, or
slipped a hundred Monopoly bucks out of the bank while Gina was
distracted by her idiot brother’s antics.
We were together doing our stupid
little talent show contests, rolling into the room to "I aint
fraid of no ghosts," looking like Chippendale dancers with
particle accelerators strapped to our backs. Or we were going around
the world in the hot air balloon of the living room carpet. I was
always Alvin, the charismatic chipmunk. One was Simon, the nerd. One
was Theodore, who liked to eat. All the girls wanted to be Brittany.
Paolo’s place wasn’t the only
place we knew. The parents liked to rotate. Us kids had a feeling for
each. Marvin’s was cool because it had a big screen projection TV
and you could play big Nintendo. It had a basketball hoop out back
and the patio was quartered into large concrete slabs perfect for
4-square. There were games of ping pong on the table out on the patio
as the moths whirled around the flood lamps and got stuck in big
bangs or flung themselves into mouths as we exclaimed: Slam you!
Bammo! Pfffth! Another plus: Marvin's parents always had push up pops
in their drop-in freezer and fun could be had pretending to push the
kid who reached inside for one.
Jon’s place was like visiting the
country, or what we understood the country to be, it was actually
farmland Cloverdale. It was twenty minutes by car and sat on two
acres, one of them wooded. It wasn’t really country, but at dusk
the fireflies came out like it. Once one of the girls, Yna, caught
thirty of them in a jar and cried when they were all dead in two
hours.
At Ellen’s there were dogs kept in an
outdoor pen and little bunny rabbits in the woods. At all the other
houses the boys slept with the boys, the girls with the girls, but at
Ellen’s we huddled in the dark, on the living room’s pink 70s
carpet, surrounded not by tacky wood panels but by the piney woods of
rural Newton long ago. We told each other ghost stories by the light
of a 4DD lamp and leapt at each other for shrieks and made it so not
one of us could sleep. We kept telling stories until dawn, until our
parents dragged us, bleary eyed, to the car where sleep would finally
find us.
The sleep ritual was always most
stringent at Marvin’s. His mom always came downstairs, stern and
efficient (she had a game to return to). She was mother to all of us
at that moment. We were made to brush our teeth (we each maintained a
toothbrush there) and wash our faces. At Marvin’s house there were
only two cramped kid’s rooms so they put us kids in Marvin’s and
Lana's beds, respectively. They had us boys lay horizontally across
Marvin’s queen size and we would jostle each other or hog the
sheets or throw them on a surprise victim to dutch oven. Man, how
flatulent we were. SBD’s and Bitbrrrrrrs and Atomic Fireballs and
Chinese Firecrackers. Lana would come in and threaten to tell on us,
on our gas and our guffawing. Gina and Ellen and Yna would crowd
around her, their faces gradually scrunching up in disgust around the
point of their twitching noses.
We calmed ourselves, threw our hands
over our mouths. We promised we would be good. Promise. And the girls
went back to their room as we tried to eat our laughter.
This sleeping arrangement continued for
many years. I don’t remember exactly at what point it was decided
we were too old for it. Or who decided this. With my feet hanging off
the side of Marvin’s bed, I was already beginning to feel
suffocated by my life. Yet still I had no clue that this, all this
glory, was doomed. Even lying there planning my eventual escape from
childhood, it was not something that came to mind. That we would grow
up to such an extent and grow apart, or that one of us would begin to
smoke pot, or we would start sneaking off with one of the girls for
sex. That some of us would have better things to do with their white
friends and some would move far far away. Still thankfully
inconceivable. And farthest from my scheming brain: that eventually
we would keep in touch through the rare electronic missive, connected
only by faded photograph and crumbling memory, and by the sound of
those mahjong tiles being washed as we drifted to sleep.
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