It's time I stop cultivating and start harvesting
How to love oneself?
I had a series of epiphanies that made me realize that I have to love myself. I figured out that no baby is born liking itself and it's up to the people who raise it to prop it up with encouragement and good vibes until it likes itself so much that it loves itself. That love carries with it an arsenal of things that assist the baby well into adulthood; helping it dodge the words that usually capture others.
Part of that is love is confidence. Where do you expect to get confidence in yourself when your parents have never really given you any real encouragement? Is a girlfriend who loves you and cares for you enough? Is the lull of daily-life stimulating enough these days? It's very hard to not live in numbing amusement, finding pockets of joy in a funny meme or watching a movie that lets you escape for a while. That type of comfort requires a lot of something special to keep that soft existence growing.
So much so that the act of relinquishing the comfort has a such a steep requirement that maybe the confidence equipped within me is not sufficient.
Then the answer to my question, the one that's slowly killing me is that I'm not good enough to pull myself out -- this quicksand of comfort. At least not yet.
Love oneself, something I have to figure out how to do. Similar as to how someone who acts virtuously is not genuinely virtuous, I must find a way to love myself without acting to love myself.
We study a famous composer by the notes he creates and the techniques he uses but that's only the symptoms of his genius. Kids are sent to learn the techniques he uses and the notes he creates, but that in no way guarantees that the children will become famous composers.
The technique of music, as well as the technique of love, as well as the techniques of speech -- language -- is very valuable because it gives us the ability to express something only IF you have something to express.
But if you have nothing to express, not even someone whos mastered the language of English will hold your acclaim unless they manage to fool their listeners by talking beautiful non-sense and making it sound profound.
How do you love oneself? I can't love myself because somewhere along the line I wasn't properly loved. Ask me, my 28 year old self, to learn the most important language, the one of inner emotion, to become emotionally mature and to automagically respond to any inner doubt and worries with positive reinforcement and encouragement from my inner self.
You should've asked me to learn when I was 5, vulnerable and ready to be loved. You should've asked me when I was a year old. It might be too much to ask of now.
A heavy cross to bear
I've figured it out.
It took me 11 years to find it, but I've figured out something significant. Since the start of my little personal journey, I've decided inadvertently to live in the vague. I became obsessed with not tying myself down with any sort of concrete commitment. Some soul-searching, finding a way to better myself, even becoming healthier. What did that even mean? Those phrases that I told myself were my missions that had no real end or beginning to them. Had I decided to lose a specific amount of weight or do a particular number of pushups instead of the arbitrary become healthier I had chosen to do then maybe my life would have become better.
My point is that my life from the very beginning had no direction. I blame that 100% on my parents. It was in their third-world understanding that school -- specifically school in the first-world -- would provide ample intelligence in order to guide me through this new and unfamiliar country that we journeyed together through. They needed to only nudge with the minimal amount of parenting required, and I'd be on my way to success. They were wrong.
I don't blame them, it was a new country, new people, new environment; How could they guide me through the pitfalls of life if they too were ignorant of them? Maybe because of this, they decided to neglect my harrowing personal development in lieu of just having more children? How can I really know? Can you count how many hugs and kisses BOTH of your parents have given you with one hand? I can.
What gave me some comfort was the fact that the millennials -- my generation -- have a stereotype that they were not loved enough as children; It's why I became such a clingy person.
Nevertheless, I found love by matching my crazy with another crazy. Nobody told me that true love was just looking for someone whose faults you can tolerate and someone who can handle your faults; that last part requires communication because, in the beginning, it's tough to believe that someone can actually love that side of you. That ugly side that you've been told by media, people, and maybe even your loved ones, is ugly -- very very ugly.
It gets hard pretending, it gets so hard that that effort you've mustered up at the beginning of your relationship about who you want to portray yourself as eventually crumbles and all that's left is the person you actually are. It's much easier, and it's also much nicer to show your true self as soon as possible to the person who you want to love you.
My set of crazy is clinginess.
I clung to things very easily, even bad things. That's why the thing that I love the most is the thing that will kill me; my dependence on food.
When anyone first meets me, the first thing that comes to their mind is horribly obese. It's something I've battled my entire life. My first real memory, the memory that triggered my life, was one of incredible sadness. I was crying. I was young, less than 4, and I held in my hand an ice cream cone as I was being carried by my dad who was leaving to go to Canada. I loved him, he took care of me and gave me love, and now he was now leaving me. Then the next set of memories were of my mom coming back from what I think was her school. She would leave for long periods of time and leave me with her mother with her many sisters and brothers; they became my surrogate parents. Abandonment was my first real memory.
An intense recollection was being told in the morning that instead of the school bus, my mom would pick me up from school. I spent the entire day bubbling with excitement, and when we all were gathered and herded into the school bus I was too scared to tell them that my mom was going to pick me up; so I snuck out before it left. But she was late. I gripped the cold metal links of that chain link front fence of the school hard as Kevin and I bawled our eyes out. I don't know why he was, all I knew was that I felt that I was being abandoned again. But lo and behold she was just late, and in her hands, she held a big pile of steamy tasty Jollibee fast food. I had launched my extreme despair into extreme jubilation, the two extremes exploded into my first taste of catharsis. As I swam in that beautiful, emotional soup, I munched on the Jollibee hotdog with that heavenly cheese sauce that I never have and will probably never taste again, I sealed within my psyche a very scary curse.
It also didn't help that my mom was mean -- like really mean. To the point where being yelled at and told how I was worthless was part of the morning routine. It was so normal that as a treat for my birthday, mom would try extra hard to be nicer to me that morning. Even to this day, it's still the best present I have ever received. I did so well in school that day that my teachers even noticed that I was actually smiling. "Wow, you look so happy. You must really love your birthday!'
I don't even want to start on what it's like being the only Philippino in an entire school. I fit in nowhere, and I was treated with either pity or contempt, genuine racism is passed down prejudice from parent to child and hand-delivered from classmate to classmate. It was never direct. Quiet whispers I was never privy to; groups and giggling that was stifled when I came near. Something bad brewed beneath my young self and it coalesced in my teenage years. It was hatred.
So that's it.
I've figured out that I am a bad person fuelled by the still strong cinders of a bright blue blaze of hatred. I was tiptoeing around it in my 20s, blissfully unaware as to why it was so hard to make friends. Turns out that people get turned off by my general toxic hating personality. I'd like to think that I had the general gist of it a couple years ago and am already a couple steps towards extinguishing it if it isn't already. Maybe, hopefully, all I'm doing now is waiting for the heat to dissipate.
My 20s were spent figuring out that I have all these nails lodged inside me and I grew so accustomed to the hate and sorrow that I didn't even feel the pain anymore. If I live through this pandemic then maybe I can keep yanking them out; even if they scar me for life at least they will begin to heal.
2019, A decade in review and the end
I began this blog because I felt that nothing that I thought and felt was real until it manifested itself somehow into the world. Now — with the advent of smartphones and tablets, small thoughts became easy to quickly jot down, making the previously intimate activity of blogging mundane and inefficient. Why commit a large chunk of your week to trying to collect all your thoughts and ideas when instead you can just have: two post-it note apps, dozens of text notes on the phone — some with voice recordings, memos recorded by your AI assistant, or my hundreds of 50-page all-paper journals? Which by the way you can get for 10cents a piece right before the mom's buy them all out during the back-to-school sales. At least if you live here smack dab in the middle of a western rainforest.
This is my final documentation of most of the random stuff that I've spawned over the last decade. An archive of a stray kid born in 1992 in a 3rd world rainforest archipelago with fond memories of a white dog and mosquitos then jetted away to Canada to live amongst the people who he feels he never belonged in.
Whatever choices I make, whether intrinsic or extrinsic, stems from the fact that I never truly felt like I belong anywhere. Many times I sought out the fringe. Finding solace in the idea that there are others with similarly abstract despair within themselves that can't be easily labelled and categorised.
Maybe it sounds whiny. Unfortunately, I have to bleed in order to feel the gravity of the situation sometimes. That means that I get a little sappy and vulnerable to make this as honest as possible so I can be as satisfied with it.
So here we go.
This is my final documentation of most of the random stuff that I've spawned over the last decade. An archive of a stray kid born in 1992 in a 3rd world rainforest archipelago with fond memories of a white dog and mosquitos then jetted away to Canada to live amongst the people who he feels he never belonged in.
Whatever choices I make, whether intrinsic or extrinsic, stems from the fact that I never truly felt like I belong anywhere. Many times I sought out the fringe. Finding solace in the idea that there are others with similarly abstract despair within themselves that can't be easily labelled and categorised.
Maybe it sounds whiny. Unfortunately, I have to bleed in order to feel the gravity of the situation sometimes. That means that I get a little sappy and vulnerable to make this as honest as possible so I can be as satisfied with it.
So here we go.
Tracking painting progress
once a week 4h painting. 1st 2nd and 3rd painting done with acrylic.
No clue what I was doing in first painting, learning basics, getting into it.
2nd I had no clue when I started, but this one taught me importance of depth and blending. Layering many colours.
3rd one I tried to do my own thing and apply what I learned so far... it's ok XD
March 2018
Final Fantasy XV
Not sure whether to buy?
- Do you like action packed combat?
- Do you like fishing / gathering? (optional)
- Do you like slaying monsters and saving the world?
- Do you like cars?
- CHOCOBOS???
So far I am thoroughly enjoying this game. You can friggin cook in this game.. well I mean Ignis cooks but you sorta help sometimes.
I mean look at that. Doesn't it look DELICIOUS??
I've never had trouble with gathering, so I do get sidetracked and spend hours fishing / looking for ingredients for food. But if you're not into that, there are many other things to do, such as participating in hunts and aiding several people you meet.
There are several interesting side quests, one that is definitely worth doing is the chocobo questline so you can rent them! No more walking... well less of it.
Prompto likes taking photos such as ^
What's interesting is you can customize your chocobos! Including colours and medals you win from races!
I don't enjoy the car rides but there is a fast travel option so fear not if you are not a fan of that either.
For combat, Noctis can wield up to 4 weapons/spells. So I have yet to be bored from fighting / killing stuff in general with the huge arsenal the game provides. Techniques are also quite fun.. I have yet to really get into summoning.
Hope you are having a wonderful day ^.^
Thanks for reading
- Vi
- Do you like action packed combat?
- Do you like fishing / gathering? (optional)
- Do you like slaying monsters and saving the world?
- Do you like cars?
- CHOCOBOS???
So far I am thoroughly enjoying this game. You can friggin cook in this game.. well I mean Ignis cooks but you sorta help sometimes.
I've never had trouble with gathering, so I do get sidetracked and spend hours fishing / looking for ingredients for food. But if you're not into that, there are many other things to do, such as participating in hunts and aiding several people you meet.
There are several interesting side quests, one that is definitely worth doing is the chocobo questline so you can rent them! No more walking... well less of it.
Prompto likes taking photos such as ^
What's interesting is you can customize your chocobos! Including colours and medals you win from races!
I don't enjoy the car rides but there is a fast travel option so fear not if you are not a fan of that either.
For combat, Noctis can wield up to 4 weapons/spells. So I have yet to be bored from fighting / killing stuff in general with the huge arsenal the game provides. Techniques are also quite fun.. I have yet to really get into summoning.
Hope you are having a wonderful day ^.^
Thanks for reading
- Vi
misc. rambling
With EA bombing on Star Wars: Battlefront, an interesting cause and effect has occurred. I am for removing RNG paid things.. a prime example would be Nexon. Especially Maplestory. You pay for a box for a chance to get a scroll. This scroll is also a chance to give you what you want. If you get the type of stats you want, the range is still RNG. So it's RNG within RNG within RNG within RNG and you're paying for that.
Companies like Blizzard that give you what you pay for, do microtransactions right. I'm happy to pay for cosmetics to support the company, and not pay to win. Much less Pay to RNG to win.
I wonder if the govt. can get rid of online gambling when it comes to games, and how they will manage it. What will constitute as "gambling" anyway?
With games like Hearthstone, you can't pay for the card you want.. that'd be paying to win. Since it's a card game, it's ok for you to buy packs with random cards. That's how it works in real life card games as well.
What defines that fine line?
I'm aware of some concerns such as if power is given to the government, what if they remove microtransactions all together? Would we no longer have free games? Would we also have to pay significantly more for new games?
The majority of games right now are already very expensive.. and they don't even give you the whole game like they used to! Instead of the whole hamburger.. you get the patty. The buns might be preorder and the rest are DLC you have to purchase.
I'm quite worried about the future of gaming. We've seen huge hits and huge falls. One of the most memorable falls being Bethesda. I do not wish to go into detail as it may offend certain parties, but it's a huge shame the people in charge of producing Mass Effect Andromeda completely ruined the series.
Good luck.
Companies like Blizzard that give you what you pay for, do microtransactions right. I'm happy to pay for cosmetics to support the company, and not pay to win. Much less Pay to RNG to win.
I wonder if the govt. can get rid of online gambling when it comes to games, and how they will manage it. What will constitute as "gambling" anyway?
With games like Hearthstone, you can't pay for the card you want.. that'd be paying to win. Since it's a card game, it's ok for you to buy packs with random cards. That's how it works in real life card games as well.
What defines that fine line?
I'm aware of some concerns such as if power is given to the government, what if they remove microtransactions all together? Would we no longer have free games? Would we also have to pay significantly more for new games?
The majority of games right now are already very expensive.. and they don't even give you the whole game like they used to! Instead of the whole hamburger.. you get the patty. The buns might be preorder and the rest are DLC you have to purchase.
I'm quite worried about the future of gaming. We've seen huge hits and huge falls. One of the most memorable falls being Bethesda. I do not wish to go into detail as it may offend certain parties, but it's a huge shame the people in charge of producing Mass Effect Andromeda completely ruined the series.
Good luck.
ALIVE?? why yes. i think
It has been a while // have been quite busy.
I recently started playing WoW again.
Dailies are dumb. I miss the old grind when you want and stop when you want. Instead, you are limited to doing dailies to grind rep just so you can fly in the area. This becomes a problem when one can only play a certain amount of time a week. For instance, since it's limited to DAILY things, I cannot grind 5k rep in one day when I'm free. Thus I am forced to grind only 500 rep and wait the next day for resets; or until I can play again.
Other than thaaaaaaaaaat, I'd like to share a few awesome pics. I got the class mount today so \o/ yay.
The journey to obtain this mount was pretty long. On the way, I made friends with elemental lords:
I got to see the beautiful Throne of Four Winds and securing the new Windlord's throne.
Dailies are dumb. I miss the old grind when you want and stop when you want. Instead, you are limited to doing dailies to grind rep just so you can fly in the area. This becomes a problem when one can only play a certain amount of time a week. For instance, since it's limited to DAILY things, I cannot grind 5k rep in one day when I'm free. Thus I am forced to grind only 500 rep and wait the next day for resets; or until I can play again.
Other than thaaaaaaaaaat, I'd like to share a few awesome pics. I got the class mount today so \o/ yay.
The journey to obtain this mount was pretty long. On the way, I made friends with elemental lords:
I got to see the beautiful Throne of Four Winds and securing the new Windlord's throne.
FOR THE HORDE!
Stardew Valley
Working as a line cook can be pretty stressful, and sometimes I don't have the energy for high intensity games like RTS and PvP.
My lovely boyfriend recommended stardew valley and so far it has been an amazing experience.
The variety of things to do in this game astounds me. Everytime I think that there can not be more, i discover a new secret or a new skill.
I'd like to share some screenshots (there may be spoilers!) of the game.
Background: You are a worker in modern day world where you start to feel unfulfilled in life. Thankfully your grandfather left you some land to start a farm!
eventually you get a pet which you choose in the beginning (dog or cat preference)
There are also really pretty and funny cutscenes in this game.
My lovely boyfriend recommended stardew valley and so far it has been an amazing experience.
The variety of things to do in this game astounds me. Everytime I think that there can not be more, i discover a new secret or a new skill.
I'd like to share some screenshots (there may be spoilers!) of the game.
Background: You are a worker in modern day world where you start to feel unfulfilled in life. Thankfully your grandfather left you some land to start a farm!
My starting out farm! Just a few crops so far
You can get head accessories like hats, bows etc!
eventually you get a pet which you choose in the beginning (dog or cat preference)
Not fond of crops? let's get some animals!
There are also really pretty and funny cutscenes in this game.
Anyhoo, sorry for the long silence. It's been quite busy. We found an apartment so no more renting in a few months. Very exciting!!!
I will post pictures of the new apartment when all is set.
showcase cause... reasons?
so. zeus no longer looks like mario... YAY! (dota 2)
Arcana looks so sick. I hope they redo Lina. I mean.. he's floating on a friggin cloud!
Have also been playing fallout 4. Pink power armor? hell yes. (jetpack not included :P)
runescaaaaaaaaaaaape. how this game has changed.
except 1 tick pking.
Arcana looks so sick. I hope they redo Lina. I mean.. he's floating on a friggin cloud!
Have also been playing fallout 4. Pink power armor? hell yes. (jetpack not included :P)
runescaaaaaaaaaaaape. how this game has changed.
except 1 tick pking.
wafflemaster9000
Went to La Cuisson ^ strawberry waffle
hazelnut coffee cake + lemon tart >
pretty gooood!
anyway I quit my job and got another one at the Keg
much much better
Management is excellent and employee perks are awesome
I get to work with my bf, really fun
lost my train of thought
forgot why i'm writing on here
OH WELL
enjoy pretty pictures
christmas is near
Hello people,
Hopefully everyone will have a great holiday.
Christmas is near, and I decided to modify the 12 days of Christmas song to commemorate the time I've spent with my lovely partner.
(I'm starting with the twelfth day for simplicity's sake...)
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me:
12 power armors
11 gladiators fighting
10 fighting zealots
9 burrowed zerglings
8 legendaries
7 limbo demons
6 roshan's aegis
5 party hats
4 bottle caps
3 french fries
2 pizza pops and
a lovely diamond for me!
References: Fallout, Starcraft, Runescape, Dota, MMOs etc
Hopefully everyone will have a great holiday.
Christmas is near, and I decided to modify the 12 days of Christmas song to commemorate the time I've spent with my lovely partner.
(I'm starting with the twelfth day for simplicity's sake...)
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me:
12 power armors
11 gladiators fighting
10 fighting zealots
9 burrowed zerglings
8 legendaries
7 limbo demons
6 roshan's aegis
5 party hats
4 bottle caps
3 french fries
2 pizza pops and
a lovely diamond for me!
References: Fallout, Starcraft, Runescape, Dota, MMOs etc
life in the kitchen... or at least the one i work in
life of the saute - hands smell like ginger + garlic for dayz
life of the fry - sauces.... especially on wings night. smell - mixture of sauces on your hands foreverrr
life of grill - hoping that steak is done right
life of salads- crud there's cheese everywhereeeee
life of pizza/oven - bread everywhere.. wait did we burn one of the sets
life of dish - shower everyday day
life of the fry - sauces.... especially on wings night. smell - mixture of sauces on your hands foreverrr
life of grill - hoping that steak is done right
life of salads- crud there's cheese everywhereeeee
life of pizza/oven - bread everywhere.. wait did we burn one of the sets
life of dish - shower everyday day
Ren's words of wisdom
- "water is wet"
- "I made it fall so I have to go to dollarama"
- "the way to open this, is this... fancy"
- "I will find you Mr. Cap"
- "if you kill a killer, the number of killers stay the same"
- "my throat jiggles when I do it"
- "he's gonna smoke with fire"
- "you start to mumble in a really deep mumble"
- "I'm weird"
- "It's the fluffy thing I was confused I was"
cooking
So Vi and I started working in different restaurants. We're working in different kitchens with different styles with a foundation of french cooking and skills.
It makes me happy knowing that we are developing our skills for the future and not just for some meaningless job.
I predict that in 10 years we will have opened our own restaurant!
It's going to be awesome.
It makes me happy knowing that we are developing our skills for the future and not just for some meaningless job.
I predict that in 10 years we will have opened our own restaurant!
It's going to be awesome.
cooking school
So we finally started cooking school (yay!), unfortunately our knife kits are delayed a week.
Our chef is super french - it's pretty awesome except sometimes when it's loud it's hard to understand him.
We've only learned knife skills so far and I have to say that "turning" / "shaping" something is so fricking hard to do. looks easy sure but I can't do it at all. You're supposed to trim whatever you're cutting (e.g. potato) into a football shape.
Our chef is super french - it's pretty awesome except sometimes when it's loud it's hard to understand him.
We've only learned knife skills so far and I have to say that "turning" / "shaping" something is so fricking hard to do. looks easy sure but I can't do it at all. You're supposed to trim whatever you're cutting (e.g. potato) into a football shape.
MY REAL RESUME
So I've been starting to realize just how incredibly nerdy my life has been these past years. I've made a gaming resume of sorts before but ever since my girlfriend had told me to list all the things that I have done that could be considered lazy; I realize that I could be a dork.
- 10 Year veteran on RuneScape with Max cape for 3 years
- Server 2nd Heroic Deathwing, Server 1st Corrupted Phoenix mount drop
- S7 Glad
- Three 150+ Characters on Maplestory
- One tournament win Super Smash Brothers Melee
- Played for a semi-pro team for DOTA1 as role 3 and 5
- 100%'d too many games to list
- Able to speedrun Mario 3
- Completed Pokemon yellow pokedex
- Beaten hardest level of Pokemon Stadium 64
That's just my gaming stuff
- Extensive knowledge of the lore in many fantasy universes (WoW, RS, LoTR, Marvel, DC, Warhammer, Elder Scrolls, Dark Souls, Fire Emblem, Zelda...) I'm forgetting a lot
- Played Yu-gi-oh competitively
- Painted Warhammer figurines for money
- Have many Pikachu toys
Thats just from thinking about it for 10 minutes. I'm sure I'll be able to remember more in the future.
I always thought I had to hide my powerlevel from people, especially my girlfriend. But it really makes me happy knowing that I can share these things with the one I love the most. D'awwwwwww
firebird
T6 torment hardcore say wut wut
greater rifts are so scary though
almost died
pls no wall frozen jailer
haven't been able to get a complete marauder's set for some reason . blasting thru 200 paragon levels and only have 2set D:
so I can't really say if I like demon hunter just yet
wizard is tons of fun though. fire EVERYWHEREEEEE
moved in with s/o
place is pretty awesome. have view of mountains on clear day.
seagull comes by now and then for breakfast. named him/her spotty
one month ish til cooking school woooo
greater rifts are so scary though
almost died
pls no wall frozen jailer
haven't been able to get a complete marauder's set for some reason . blasting thru 200 paragon levels and only have 2set D:
so I can't really say if I like demon hunter just yet
wizard is tons of fun though. fire EVERYWHEREEEEE
moved in with s/o
place is pretty awesome. have view of mountains on clear day.
seagull comes by now and then for breakfast. named him/her spotty
one month ish til cooking school woooo
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